


How To Love The Devil

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blood and Injury, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations, Human Lucifer, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Past Torture, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:09:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6110425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you handle Lucifer, who became human after being freed from the cage? There are a few things that Sam has to take into consideration and it just takes time, for both of them.</p><p>Part 1: Do not expect too much of him. He must learn his humanity the same way you learned to walk, or speak, or ride a bike.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [How To Love The Devil](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6664516) by [wymooose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wymooose/pseuds/wymooose)
  * Inspired by [Instructions for Lucifer](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/178270) by helllfiresam. 



It’s not easy for Sam, but he knows it’s much harder for Lucifer than it could ever be for him. Yes, Lucifer is free, he is alive. However, there is something that couldn’t escape the cage and without it the devil is nothing like his old self anymore. Without his grace he is as human as Sam is.

Some days are better than others, but more than often the former devil just wanders around the bunker, restless and without and destination on his mind. It’s breaking Sam’s heart a little every time he sees him like this, because he can’t even imagine how horrible it must be for him like this; ripped off all the things that defined him once. Lucifer just looks lost sometimes. Of course Sam knows that he doesn’t want to bother the brothers with this, so he usually tries to avoid them. 

Sam tries his best to help Lucifer, to show him that it’s not that horrible to be human. Yes, he can’t snap necks with a thought anymore, can’t appear and disappear as he pleases, but for Sam all these things aren’t that important; even though he knows they are for _him_. So they start out small by getting Lucifer his own clothes, mainly because it’s a little irritating for Sam when his clothes always vanish. There isn’t much eager in Lucifer when Sam shows him the things he found, but he accepts them without complaining.

The most normal things confuse Lucifer often, like the need to sleep. He isn’t used to sleep at all, so Sam isn’t surprised to find him passed out at random places at first. Every time Sam gathers a blanket from his room and drapes it over Lucifer, often staying with him for a while in case he wakes up. Eventually Lucifer starts to realize that it’s better to just go to bed at a certain time, rather than sleeping in the kitchen or the library.

Often Sam is under the impression that Lucifer is like a child who just starts learning to interact with the world around it. He touches everything, studies room after room. Sometimes Sam explains things to him, sometimes he figures them out himself. Much like a child, exactly. But it gets better. Of course it takes time, a lot of it, and there are many days when Lucifer just can’t take it anymore and refuses to even leave his room; but it gets better.

When it happens Sam is the only one he will let in. The first time Sam is shocked to see the state Lucifer is in, the agony in his eyes is shattering him. But Lucifer assures him that having him there makes things a little better. And from this moment they usually spend those bad days together, at least when Sam isn’t busy with a hunt. In case he is he’s always calling Lucifer, just talks to him for a while.

They both know this is a hard thing to do, keeping the bad thoughts away takes time. But Lucifer tries hard and it makes Sam proud to see that, despite his fear of him just giving up. He doesn’t know why Lucifer manages to fight through it, to not just end it, but he’s glad he does.

One event will never leave Sam’s memory, as it was the first time he truly saw how hard everything is for Lucifer. If anyone would ask him he’d surely tell them it’s easy, but Sam knows it isn’t.

It was the first time he got Lucifer to come with him and Dean to their weekly grocery run, something Sam hoped would help him, but instead turned out to show him the man behind the mask.

Dean was getting coffee and basic stuff while Sam selected some vegetables and salad he suddenly felt a cold breeze and when he turns around Lucifer was gone. Almost immediately he dropped his basket, shoving two old women out of his way as he rushed through the door, looking for him in the parking lot. At first Sam couldn’t find him anywhere and even considered just going back inside to get Dean, when he saw that someone was leaning against the Impala. Turned out Lucifer had a panic attack when one of the old ladies got too close to him and started nagging at him for blocking her way.

“I don’t know what happened. I – I just had to get away, I’m sorry.” Lucifer sighed, Sam’s hand on his shoulder managing to calm him down a little at least.

“Old ladies can be scary.” Sam smiled, squeezing his shoulder gently. “Just tell me if it’s too much. You don’t have to do things you feel uncomfortable with.”

“I’m pathetic, really.” Lucifer shakes his head and looks down at his feet. He carelessly kicks a stone away angrily. “I can’t stand being human, Sam. That’s not me. It would be better if I just end this.”

“You know I won’t let you.” Sam said and forced Lucifer to look at him by tilting up his chin. “This _is_ you, Lucifer. You just have to find yourself again. And I’ll help you, okay?” His voice was soft, caring as it always was when Lucifer was in a state like this, close to giving up.

“How can you even stand me like this?”

Sam’s smile softened a little, the hand on Lucifer’s shoulder moving to his head and pulling it against his own shoulder. “We’re still two halves, right?” He asks, drawing a sad smile from Lucifer.

“Not the way we were before.”

Sam knew Lucifer was right, but it didn’t have to be a bad thing. He let him stay at the car while he finished the run inside, knowing very well that it was important for him to just settle himself at the moment. It wasn’t the last time something like this happened, but it too got better after a while.

Maybe Lucifer will struggle for a long time, but Sam promised him and himself that he would give him this time. Lucifer doesn’t know how to be human, but at least Sam can show him a thing or two. Yes, he will never actually like not being an angel anymore, but for Sam it doesn’t degrade him at all. Maybe one day he will be able to look into the mirror and not turn away in disgust. Maybe someday he will be able to smile at himself instead. Sam hopes for this day to come. Because they had horrible times, they literally went to hell, but there is still this deep connection between them that nothing can destroy.

And even though he never admitted it before, Sam likes this connection. And he needs it, maybe as much as Lucifer needs it too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be patient. He has waited countless millions of years for you; you can wait five minutes for him.

Time.

Sometimes Sam thinks Lucifer just doesn’t get the concept of it. He asks him to come for dinner, Lucifer takes up to thirty minutes to finally come into the kitchen. He tells Lucifer to get ready because they want to go somewhere, the other takes more than an hour often. Since Sam is rather correct about these things it sometimes drives him up the walls. When Lucifer finally comes then he feels bad for thinking he’s doing these things on purpose, because he clearly doesn’t. Whenever Lucifer sees the impatient look on Sam’s face he gets silent and mumbles an apology. And how can Sam not feel guilty for rushing him then? For Lucifer time was never relevant, he spent millennia in the cage. Over such a long period of existence time somehow loses its meaning.

Lucifer knows how waiting feels, more than anyone else on this world probably. So maybe it’s Sam’s turn to learn patience with _him_ now. It’s not like he doesn’t get the problem behind this after all. With the many angels Sam got to know during the last years he learned that they just see things different, that many human things fly over their head because they just don’t get them. Can he blame Lucifer for not understanding that he is supposed to be on time? He doesn’t think so and if he’s honest with himself, he doesn’t _want_ to either.

So, when Sam’s birthday rolls around the hunter has an idea that might be able to help with their problem a little. He doesn’t think angels really have a birthday, not the way humans have at least. Which makes his whole plan a little weird, because who gives someone else a present on their own birthday? Crazy people, that’s who. And, well, Sam always knew he wasn’t quite what you’d call normal, so he goes with being crazy this time. If it makes things easier and Lucifer happy he doesn’t really care.

They don’t go on a hunt the days before Sam’s birthday, which he’s very glad about. By now Lucifer is able to go out of the bunker for more than a few minutes, even manages to be with strangers without feeling the need to run away. So, with the excuse of not feeling too well, Sam sends Dean and Lucifer out to get some pie and maybe something to drink for his birthday. As soon as they are gone Sam takes one of the spare cars and drives a few towns away, knowing exactly that sending Dean to buy pie can take a while. He still doesn’t know how Lucifer will react to this, yet he hopes that his reaction will be positive.

Sam’s birthday is quiet in the bunker. Dean cooks something for his brother, even manages to put together a nice salad, which Sam is glad about, and they spend the day talking and sharing stories. Lucifer is just listening most of the time, still unsure if anything he has to contribute to a conversation is what they want to hear or not. When it’s getting late Dean excuses himself and comes back with a present for his brother. Sam didn’t expect anything, so he’s surprised to find a new hunting knife. He lost his own a while ago, but this one is even better. It’s silver, engraved with sigils and somehow Sam knows it has been blessed to function like holy water. A practical gift from his practical brother.

And then Sam is baffled, because Lucifer too has something for him. The package is poorly wrapped, Lucifer never did these kind of things before and probably asked Dean about it beforehand, but Sam is out of words. He didn’t expect anything from Lucifer, knowing that this was a human tradition after all. When he unwraps the package and finds a sweatshirt with the words “Devil Inside” on it he bursts out into laughter, so much that tears stream down his face. Soon Dean joins him, after he took a closer look at the gift, and honestly? It’s the most amazing gift Sam ever got, from anyone.

When Sam is finally able to break out of his laughs he notices Lucifer looks strange, as if he’s not sure what to think. Or worse, as if he’s thinking –

“You don’t like it?”

Sam shakes his head, still chuckling a little. He lays a hand on Lucifer’s shoulder, not able to hide a wide smile on his face.

“I _love_ it, really.” He manages to say before holding up the sweatshirt again. “But, you know, wouldn’t it fit _you_ better than me?”

He’s surprised that this draws a smile from Lucifer, that he even shakes his head a little.

“Right now it fits you much better than me.” He mumbles silently.

After that Sam doesn’t know how Lucifer will react to his gift anymore. Yes, he thought it might make him smile before, but after those words he’s not so sure anymore. Lucifer’s gift is very nice and Sam can’t help but put it on right away, showing him that he really loves it and isn’t just saying that he does. He still sees the worry in his face and when Dean tells them he’s going to bed Sam is a little relieved.

It’s better to give this to Lucifer when Dean isn’t there. This is awkward enough, even without his big brother pulling some lame jokes about it.

“I’ll go to bed too, Sam. It’s time.” Lucifer declares after Dean is gone from the kitchen, but Sam holds him back by grabbing his arm.

“Wait a minute. I’ve got something for you first.”

Lucifer is confused when Sam pulls out another present from a drawer and hands it to him. His eyes shift between Sam, who sat back down, and the little square box in his hands and he’s really not sure what to do.

“What does that mean?” He asks finally, giving up on figuring out why suddenly he got a present.

“It’s a gift. For you. Open it.” Sam smiles, but Lucifer shakes his head, surprisingly eager.

“It’s _your_ birthday, _you_ are getting gifts today.” He insists and tries to give the present to Sam. The hunter simply shoves it back to Lucifer, smiling.

“I know, but this is for you. I know you don’t celebrate your birthday, I don’t even know when it is. So, this is your present.” Sam knows it’s a little strange, but now Lucifer finally seems to understand. He turns the box in his hands a while before he unwraps it the way Sam did with his presents before. Lucifer reveals a little black box with his name on it.

“What is it?” He asks and Sam helps him open the nasty little lock on it.

“It’s a watch, for you.” Sam smiles and takes it out, showing it to Lucifer. The wristwatch he bought is black, easy to use and without anything distracting. Well, except from the engraving on it. There are two little horns and a devil tail inside and then Sam turns it around, showing Lucifer the engraving on the back. The watch is taken from his hands and Lucifer lets his finger run over the slots.

“Take your time…” Lucifer reads the engraving, whispering the words in awe. He studies the watch for a few moments, trying to find out what it means, why Sam is giving this to him. It looks so expensive, he feels kinda bad for taking something like this.

“It’s just to help you get the hang of it.” Sam says and takes the watch, carefully closing it around Lucifer’s wrist. “So, when you forget the time, just look at it.”

“Thank you, Sam. I – I really don’t know what to say.”

Sam takes Lucifer’s hand gently and lays his own over it, glad that Dean is gone now because he surely would call this a chick flick moment. He doesn’t really care though, maybe he just _is_ a chick after all.

“Don’t say anything, it’s fine. Just… just take your time.”

Lucifer nods and then, not really to Sam’s surprise, he pulls him into a tight hug. Everything he can’t say Sam can feel in this; how thankful he is and how much this truly means to him. Maybe Lucifer doesn’t really have a birthday, but Sam wouldn’t mind sharing his with him every year. After all, they just belong together, they can’t deny it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be calm. Be quiet. Be understanding. He will snap at you, but you know he never means it.

Sometimes Sam can’t prevent it. Can’t prevent Lucifer from losing it from snapping at him when everything gets too much. The reason can be anything, usually nothing that is of any importance to him or Dean, but for Lucifer it’s a huge thing. Calming him down in these situations is – difficult. If it’s possible at all. Often it’s more like a fight with himself to not just yell back at Lucifer, to not say something that makes it even worse.

Sam knows Lucifer doesn’t mean it like that, of course he does. There are things that boil inside him all the time, sometimes they reach the surface and burst out. He never blames him, always tries to stay calm and be understanding, even if it’s hard sometimes. Sam can only imagine how hard things are for the fallen angel, especially when there is this look in his eyes. It’s more than just sadness, it’s pure despair. But still, Sam tries. Even if he gets hurt himself in the process.

Usually Sam can tell when it happens because Lucifer’s behavior changes days before already. He gets grumpy, snarls at stuff when he’s alone, talks to himself. All things Sam notices and then he’s able to prepare himself for whatever is to follow. This time though none of it happens. Sam is taken by surprise and when Lucifer suddenly snaps he’s not only shocked, he’s terrified. Lucifer said things that hurt Sam before, but this time it’s more than that; this time it’s hurting his heart.

Sam is busy doing research and while he asked Lucifer to help him before he refused. So he does it himself, only to have the other burst into the library an hour later, growling at him without even greeting him or giving Sam any idea what happened.

“Lucifer, relax. What’s wrong?” Sam asks confused, not yet worried, and closes the book in front of him.

“What’s wrong? Go ask your brother what’s wrong!” Lucifer spits out, his eyes so cold now that Sam raises his brows.

“Whatever he did, I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way you think.” He’s still calm, can’t risk anything else.

“Of course!” Lucifer comes closer, slamming his hands on the table so hard that it shakes. “Because I’m just a stupid child, isn’t that what you really think?”

“What?” Now Sam does start to worry, a lot. This isn’t anything Lucifer ever did. “What are you talking about?”

“Do you think I don’t know? You’re acting like I don’t know anything! ‘Oh, it’s like he’s growing up and is only five’ or ‘Let him ramble if he wants to’.” Lucifer’s voice becomes dark as he speaks, his hands on the table clenching to fists. “I heard _everything_ you said, Sam.”

“Okay, calm down, will you?” Sam reaches out for Lucifer’s hands, but he pulls them away before he can even touch them with his fingertips. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Sam sighs.

“Of course you did! Do you have the slightest idea what I’ve been through the last years?”

“No, I don’t. Lucifer, I really don’t think you should –“

“Why not? That’s what I can do best after all!” Lucifer snarls. “You had your stupid little life after you left, do you know what I had? Hell, Sam!”

“I know, okay?” Now Sam jumps up from the chair, glaring at Lucifer as angry as the other glared at him. “You were in _hell_ , so of course you had hell!”

“Exactly!” Lucifer yells, causing Sam to cringe for a second. Ever since he’s been out of the cage Lucifer never yelled like this. “You know what, Sam? There is nothing you understand! You’ve been there for a few weeks, not even your soul was there as long as I was!”

“That doesn’t mean it was a holiday!” Sam scoffs, failing to keep calm. This is escalating and he knows he should do something about it, but he just can’t. He doesn’t know what he could possibly do to stop this.

“I begged you to get me out of there, Sam! For two hundred years I yelled your name and you didn’t care a damn bit!”

“You fucking tortured me down there!” Sam can’t process what Lucifer just said, not even a little. Lucifer never begged, not him at least. And if he called for him, why didn’t he hear him? Wasn’t a bit of his grace still left in his body that he should have?

“And I apologized a million times!” There is more hurt in Lucifer’s voice than ever before and suddenly Sam just wants him to stop. He doesn’t want to hear what he says next, as if he knows it will be the worst thing he’ll ever hear. “I’ve been dying over and over and it was always _you_ , Sam! Always _you_ who killed me and always you who tortured me after you were gone! Hundreds of years, Sam… you don’t know _anything_.”

Sam swallows heavily when memories flood his mind, memories he wanted to forget ever since he got his soul back. Without even knowing he massages his left hand, tracing the scar that once sent the hallucination of Lucifer away.

“I know more than you think, believe me.” He says with a heavy voice. There are tears in his eyes, but they don’t fall. Not yet. “You think I was free, Lucifer. But I was never free.” Sam just wants to leave before it gets even worse, but he can’t stop talking, his nails digging into his palm and leaving traces that will stay there for hours. “You almost killed me, _really_ killed me, even after I was gone from the cage. If it wasn’t for Cas I would have _died_ because of you.”

“I –“ Lucifer shakes his head, the anger in his eyes changing to confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Forget it. Just forget it.” Sam bows his head and leaves, leaves before he bursts out into tears in front of Lucifer. He doesn’t even know why those memories still hurt so much. They shouldn’t, but knowing Lucifer now, or starting to know him, makes them even worse.

This time it’s Sam who locks himself in his room, unable to face Lucifer or anyone else at the moment. It’s not how things are supposed to go, not in the slightest. These things are supposed to stay gone, not come back and slap into Sam’s face. When it happened, when this hallucination or whatever it was tortured him it was bad, but this is even worse.

A knock on the door makes Sam look up. He knows he shouldn’t let Lucifer in, it can only be him, but he still does. However, he doesn’t look at him, can’t right now.

“Sam, what did you mean before? How did I almost kill you?”

The hunter sighs and sits down on his bed, patting the spot next to him. Lucifer has a right to know after he just ran away he assumes, even if it will hurt. As he speaks he looks down at his hands, unable to meet Lucifer’s eyes. And he tells him everything he knows. About the time he was soulless, about the moment the wall broke and the hallucinations began.

“Seeing you was worse than anything else. I could live with the voices, with the chains and meat hooks… but you.” Sam shakes his head and wipes his eyes clean. He still doesn’t want to cry, won’t let himself. “You said it was all just a setting, that I wasn’t out of the cage. Told me Dean and Bobby weren’t real. You told me to kill myself, that I know where to aim and what waits at the end of the book.”

“Sam… why didn’t you tell me that?” Lucifer asks, shocked by this confession. He knows the torture of the cage, the way it shatters someone’s soul again and again. But, unlike Sam, he only experienced this torture while he was in there. He had no idea this could happen.

Sam looks up at him, a sad smile on his face. “You have so much on your shoulders already, how can I put even more on you? I _know_ it wasn’t really you, Lucifer. It was just me going guano, that’s all.”

“I had no idea.”

“I said forget it. I’m alive, it’s over.” Sam shakes his head and sighs. It doesn’t really matter anymore either way. He knows why it was Lucifer who tortured him when the wall broke and not Dean or anyone else. Because of their connection. Maybe it was even a payback because he left and Lucifer didn’t. “Thing is, I got used to it. Until I gave in and talked to this other you… it all went downhill then.”

“Why? What happened?” Lucifer seems so worried now that Sam doesn’t want to tell him. He knows he blames himself for it, even if it wasn’t him who did all these things.

“No sleep, drugs and becoming a psycho, that’s what happened. I don’t even want to remember it all again. Just… it wasn’t you, okay? It was my mind going nuts, that’s all.”

“And I said all those things… I really had no idea, Sam. I would have never –“

Sam lays a hand on Lucifer’s, looking back up. “I _know_. The things that happened in the cage, I don’t blame you for them. And neither for those hallucinations. You proved yourself so often since you’re here.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Sam. If being here reminds you of these things maybe it’s better if I go.”

“Shut up, you’re not going anywhere.” Sam shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. That wasn’t you, none of that was really _you_. The Lucifer I know now, that’s the _real_ you.”

“How can you be sure of that? How can all this not be a huge mistake? I’m not human, Sam. I don’t know what I do half of the time. It all feels wrong to me.”

“There is something I learned through all this. If it doesn’t feel wrong it’s not real.” He takes Lucifer’s hand and placed his thumb over the faded scar in his own hand. “ _This_ is real, Lucifer. Life sucks, but we go with it. That’s the way it is. I like this new you, because it’s real. It doesn’t matter what we lost.”

Lucifer slowly traces the scar, feeling how the skin is only slightly harder than the rest of Sam’s hand. He doesn’t say a word, but Sam knows he understands.

“There are no strings on you anymore. You don’t have to please anyone but yourself. Just _be_ yourself, Lucifer. That’s all I ask you for.”

Now the fallen angel looks up, the smile on his lips sad, but still somehow hopeful. Sam isn’t sure why he was never mad at Lucifer for the torture and the things that happened when he got his soul back. There was never a reason to, he guesses.

“I’ll try to be.” Lucifer promises and really, that’s all Sam wants. If Lucifer falls again he will catch him, because it just feels right. He experienced so much hate already, Sam doesn’t want him to feel even more.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let him wear your clothes. He will be too proud to ask you, but you will find him rooting through your closet anyway.

No one can say Sam didn’t try to prevent things disappearing from his closet. Lucifer got his own, full of clothes that fit him and are only his, but sometimes Sam still misses things from his. Like that gray plaid shirt, it hasn’t been there for a few days and it’s not anywhere to be found. And that’s just one. Every week Sam finds some things disappeared, mainly shirts and sweatshirts, while others come back. They usually stay gone for a week or two, then come back as if nothing happened. Almost as if they have a ghost in the bunker that likes changing every once in a while. Or a newly found human.

Sam lets it slip, because he knows the things will come back eventually. And why should he go after this issue that is none? To embarrass Lucifer? He’s not hurting anyone and maybe he just needs a change from time to time. Of course they made sure he has everything he needs. That doesn’t mean he might not like some of Sam’s clothes better, for whatever reason. He doesn’t wear them around, probably so Sam won’t find out. It’s a strange thing, but nothing that really bothers the hunter. The only thing he wishes is that Lucifer would just talk to him. 

When Sam comes home a little earlier from a drive to a nearby witness he finds Lucifer in his room one day, basically red-handed. He smiles when he shuts the door, loud enough to startle the intruder.

“Hey. Looking for something?” Sam asks a little amused. He crosses his arms and leans against the closed door, watching Lucifer search for words.

“No, nothing…” It’s more of a question, which makes Sam chuckle.

“Looks like you lost something in my closet? Should I help you look for it?”

“No – no it’s fine. It’s not here so…” Sam stops Lucifer’s upcoming excuse and walks over to him, still smiling. Slowly he closes the doors and looks at him.

“We talked about this. Why do you still roam my things?” he wants to know, nothing but curiosity in his question. He’s not mad or anything, he just asks. Lucifer gives him a look that would have thrown him off months before, but not anymore. It’s pride, he realizes. Lucifer won’t admit anything.

“I don’t. I miss a shirt and thought it’s here.” He simply says and walks past Sam.

“I’m missing a few myself. You haven’t seen them anywhere?”

Lucifer looks at him as if he’s about to stab him the next second, but Sam just keeps smiling. He knows it might be a little mean acting like this now, but it’s something Lucifer needs to learn too. For a while none of them says a word, Lucifer just holds the door handle and Sam leans against the closet; looking at each other in silence. In the end it’s Sam who breaks the silence, because Lucifer won’t.

“If you want to wear my clothes you can just tell me.”

“I don’t want to wear your clothes. I have my own.” Lucifer huffs, but it’s not even half as sarcastic as he tries to be.

“Lucifer, I mean it. You bring them back, so what’s the matter telling me? You think I’m mad?”

Lucifer shakes his head slowly before answering, but he doesn’t look at Sam. “It’s stupid. I tried stopping, but I can’t.”

“Why not? I mean, we can get you different stuff, that’s fine.”

“No, I need them to sleep, Sam. I thought you would get angry if you knew. That’s why I brought everything back… it’s so dumb.” Lucifer sighs and turns around, as if he wants to leave.

“Wait a moment.” Sam calls out and is by his side within seconds. “I’m not angry okay? If it helps you it’s okay, you don’t have to hide it from me, you know.”

Lucifer just nods and Sam decides it’s better to just let him be. This seems hard for him to even admit, no need to make it even worse by assuring him it’s fine. Because that just doesn’t work with Lucifer. Moments like this, when he makes himself vulnerable only in the slightest, are critical. They can send him down another spiral of self-loathe, which isn’t what Sam wants.

Sam lays his hand on Lucifer’s and pushes the handle down to leave, but before he does he gives him a last smile. “Let the guilt go, Lucifer. It haunts you.” He says out of the moment and then just goes, not waiting for an answer.

Lucifer let guilt lead his way for too long, he knows that for a while now. Ever since they got to know each other better he realized it. Guilt for not being able to do as his father told him to, guilt for failing his brothers. He will never admit that he feels guilty of course, but it’s inside him. All the time.

Sam’s clothes keep disappearing, but he doesn’t mind. If it helps Lucifer and makes him feel better he’s not going to make a fuss. And who does he hurt in the end? No one. His clothes always come back in the end, neatly folded and clean. Sam can’t explain why, but it makes him happy somehow.

One night he sneaks into Lucifer’s room, his own curiosity got too strong. Lucifer is curled up under the blanket, but Sam can see that he’s wearing one of his plaid shirts. It looks so peaceful that Sam can’t help but smile. Yes, it’s okay this way. Lucifer needs it, for whatever reasons. Maybe it’s one of those things he just has to do, without being able to explain them. Like touching things.

The next day, while Lucifer is occupied with something, Sam takes some of his clothes from his closet and lays them on Lucifer’s bed. The other doesn’t mention it, but Sam can see that he’s glad. Because Sam isn’t judging him or thinks he’s crazy. He accepts him and that means more to Lucifer than the shirts themselves. It becomes kind of a habit soon. Sam gives him things and Lucifer gives them back, without any of them ever losing a word about it again. Maybe because they both know words are overrated sometimes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teach him to recognize hunger. He will eat what you eat at first. Allow him to develop his own tastes in food once he’s learned to appreciate it.

Eating is something Lucifer never had to do before and therefor it’s still difficult for him to do it. At the beginning he just ate when Sam almost forced him to, explaining that if he doesn’t eat he will get sick. Sick is another thing Lucifer just doesn’t get, but in the end he always gave in; mainly to make Sam stop pestering him. But there isn’t really desire in it, he just eats when Sam tells him to.

It goes on for quite some time. So long, in fact, that Sam believes Lucifer just can’t recognize when he’s hungry. And well, that’s it. Lucifer doesn’t feel the hunger, so Sam has to explain to him how he can recognize it himself and how he knows when he has to eat. It takes a while, but eventually he’s able to notice when he’s hungry alone. Sometimes he asks Sam if what he feels means hunger, sometimes not. And most of the time he just eats what Sam offers him. Lucifer doesn’t really eat because he likes the taste, for him it’s just fuel for his body to function. 

Somehow Sam thinks he’s refusing to enjoy eating because it reminds him that he’s human. It’s like sleeping and changing clothes. He never had to do it and believes it makes him weak. It takes a lot of talking and discussing to finally get Lucifer to at least try some things on his own.

“Even some angels eat because they like it. Look at Cas and how he craves burgers.” Sam tells him when they walk through the grocery store, without Dean this time because it’s hard enough with Lucifer alone.

“Cas isn’t really someone I look up to, Sam.” Lucifer scoffs and studies some of the things they go by, without much interest though. “I don’t get why we’re doing this. I eat, what else do you want?”

“But you don’t enjoy it.” Sam points out, earning a laugh.

“Why should I? I eat, I function.” Lucifer shrugs.

Sam sighs and puts the salad he found into his basket. “I know you don’t like it, that’s obvious.”

“Why is this so important to you?”

“Because you can _chose_ what to eat, Lucifer. You don’t have to eat what I eat, or Dean or Cas. Try things out, be curious. What do you lose?”

“My pride? My dignity?” Lucifer asks bitter and shoots Sam a warning glare. “I am not human, you just don’t get that.”

“Lucifer,” Sam sighs again and runs a hand through his hair. “This isn’t about dignity and pride. This is about you and trying to accept yourself the way you are.” All he wants is for Lucifer to understand, but it’s the same it always is. Those things don’t mean anything to him.

“This is really important to you, right?” Lucifer asks silently.

“I just want you to not think you’re a burden or anything.” He looks at the other with sad eyes. “You can _ask_ for things, you can decide what you do.”

“You took me in after I tried killing your brother, Sam. I don’t have the right to ask for anything, you know that.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong.” Sam tells him serious, coming closer. “I told you I would help you. But you have to let me do that. Stop thinking I don’t _want_ you around.”

“You do?” Lucifer blinks confused.

“Of course I do. And now I want you to take this and come back with things you want to try, okay?” Sam smiles when he hands Lucifer the basket in his hands. He knows sometimes he has to force Lucifer to the things that are for his best, even if he doesn’t like it. And this isn’t really worse than anything else.

For a few moments Lucifer just stands there and looks at the basket, unsure what to do now. In the end he simply nods and walks away. Sam would prefer to follow him around and help him, but he thinks that if this is supposed to work he has to do it himself this time.

After thirty minutes Lucifer comes back to Sam, who’s waiting at the checkout for him. And the hunter is surprised to find the basket full of different things. Pizza, not the frozen kind, a fresh one, some fruits and sweets and something he can only define as cherry juice, even though it definitely looks like blood for a second. He smiles up at Lucifer as they check out.

To his own surprise Lucifer found some things that he really likes and from that moment Sam always makes sure that he gets his own basket during grocery shopping. Slowly he finds things he likes to eat himself, like pizza, even though he prefers the pizza Sam taught him to make himself at the bunker. He doesn’t suddenly love to eat, but after a while Sam notices that he comes to dinner faster and eats with more appetite.

They let him experiment with food, just making sure he doesn’t get too much because one time he screamed that he wants to die after emptying half the fridge in one hour. Still, when he asks Sam to teach him how to cook one day the hunter is shocked, but not in a bad way. He surely didn’t expect so much eager, but Lucifer insists on it and who is he to decline his request?

Teaching Lucifer to cook is strangely entertaining, he can’t deny it. Somehow it makes Sam happy when Lucifer tries his best and the results vary. His first pancakes, another of his new favorite things, are burnt and horrible, but Sam still eats them all, praising him. Every morning Lucifer tries again and after a few weeks, and definitely some hints from Dean when Sam didn’t listen, they turn out really good and he truly enjoys eating them.

It happens often enough that either Lucifer alone is cooking soon or one of the brothers is helping him out, but somehow even Dean doesn’t mind too much. He still doesn’t really like Lucifer, probably he never will, but they still manage to work together without too many arguments. No, things aren’t easy and Lucifer still despises being actually human now. But every time Sam sees this little smile on his face when he cooks or eats he knows at least this thing turned into something positive. Of course he won’t admit it, he’s still too proud for that, but he enjoys _something_ about humanity at least. And that’s more Sam ever thought would happen.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Give him tasks. He won’t tell you, but he’ll appreciate being mentally occupied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I use the term mentally occupied very loosely here, I hope you don’t mind ♥

It’s not until Sam falls sick one day that he realizes how lost Lucifer truly is without him constantly being there somehow. Sam’s temperature is sky rocketing and the meds are still only starting to work, all he can do is doze and sweat and mumble while he fails to fall asleep. He knows Dean can’t really stand Lucifer annoying him now, but what can he do? The doctor said it would take about two weeks until he’s fully back to normal and, sad but true, he knows Dean won’t last this long

On the first day he’s rather calm, even jokes around when he explains to Sam that Lucifer acts like a bug inside of a window. Sam smiles to this, but he feels bad. Lucifer is used to Sam being around, even if they just sit in the same room. Dean has accepted him by now, yes, but it’s difficult with them. On the second day Dean already looks a little grumpy, cursing his life and everything. Tells him Castiel tried distracting Lucifer, but he didn’t like that much, so he came back to Dean. And on the third day it’s Cas bringing Sam something to eat and drink, telling him Dean went to a bar. Before noon.

Sam sighs when Cas leaves him and lays his head back. Dammit, why did he have to fall sick? Especially now that Lucifer slowly starts to get on terms with himself. It’s not his fault that he got sick of course, but he still feels guilty of leaving him out there like this somehow. Why, he has no idea. Sam drifts into another short slumber at the thought, not really sleeping or relaxing, merely his body not wanting to keep him awake for now.

A knock on the door wakes him up an hour later, his head feeling like a jack hammer. He barely manages to grunt a ‘Come in!’, not really caring who it is right now, just needing something to make the pain go away.

“Sam? Castiel asked me to bring this to you.” Lucifer comes in, cautiously and nervous. It’s the unusual look on his face that makes Sam ignore his headache for now to sit up.

“Thank you, Lucifer. Put it on the table please.” Sam isn’t sure what it is that he can see in the former angel’s eyes, but when he’s closer he realizes it’s sadness. “Are you alright?” Sam asks carefully.

Lucifer puts the tablet down and nods, already heading back outside when Sam gasps a ‘Wait!’ and he turns back around.

“Do you need something else?” He asks.

Sam shakes his head, worsening the upcoming nausea, but he tries to swallow it down.

“If you’re bored you can come here, watch a little TV or whatever. Just… just be quiet, okay? You don’t have to stay away.” He tries to not sound like he’s just saying this to do Deana favor. He kinda does, but not really. Lucifer has a calming presence if he wants to, so it’s not like he would totally mind.

“Don’t you need to rest?” Lucifer asks confused and Sam manages to crack a smile.

“Yeah, but if you’re quiet I can and you’re not really alone.”

Lucifer thinks about it, though Sam already knows he will say yes. He’s bored out of his mind and doesn’t like that he annoys the other two, or mainly Dean. It’s not like he wouldn’t feel like a burden already. So, when he finally agrees, Sam isn’t surprised. He shifts a little under the blankets, so that Lucifer can sit down at the bottom of the bed and shoves the remotes to him that have been neglected for two days.

It works well, for a little while at least. An hour or so Sam manages to keep his eyes open mostly before he drifts into another of those not-real-sleep episodes. It only feels like a moment or two when he hears Lucifer’s voice, breaking through the veil of fever.

“What is it?” Sam groans, his voice barely there and hoarse like never before.

“I don’t like this much.” Sam sits up at Lucifer’s words, reaching for the water bottle to soothe his sore throat a little before he makes another attempt at speaking.

“Lucifer, I’m sick. I can’t do much now, just let you be here.” He still sounds weak, but now it doesn’t hurt so much to speak. “Why don’t you read a book or something?”

“They are like TV, just words instead of pictures.”

Well, he isn’t that wrong of course, but Sam can’t smile right now. He rolls over to the nightstand, remembering he has a book with crosswords in there. It’s a long shot, he knows it, but maybe it’ll buy him some peace and Lucifer some distraction. When he hands it to the blonde one he takes it confused.

“What’s that?” he asks as he browses through the thick book.

“Crosswords,” Sam groans at he pushes himself back. “There are questions and you answer them in the right spots. Look, there are numbers. Maybe it keeps you occupied a little.”

Now Lucifer found the pencil Sam had stuck in there before and takes it out.

“Just try it, okay? Maybe you like it.” Sam closes his eyes again, sighing weakly. He just wants to sleep for hours, not even think about all this anymore. It just feels horrible. Under the rustling of pages and a few scratches of the pencil he falls asleep again, a little deeper this time at least.

“Sam, what’s the name of the actress in Tomb Raider?” Sam grunts and turns around, mumbling the answer before he drifts away again, already forgetting what Lucifer asked.

“An empire that fell because of a wooden horse. Sam?” The hunter growls and rolls his eyes behind his closed lids, huffing an answer.

“Sam?”

“ _What_ , Lucifer?” Sam snaps and shoots up angrily, regretting it immediately as a wave of pain darts through his head and makes him fall backwards.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I should go now.” Lucifer’s voice is full of regret, unable to relate to how Sam feels right now or to fully understand. Sam grabs with his hand, finds Lucifer’s and squeezes it weakly.

“Just, get me some pain killers. In the nightstand.”

After Sam forced the pills down he drags himself up and gives Lucifer an apologetic smile.

“Give me this, okay?” he longs for the book, then browses through it until he finds something that hopefully won’t make Lucifer talk all the time. He turns it and explains the new puzzle to him.

“Look, it’s called Sudoku. It’s easy once you know how to do it, but always different.” Lucifer listens closely, trying to remember every word Sam says. He doesn’t look too eager yet, but that’s because he has to try it first Sam knows.

“And that’s all? Just those numbers?” He asks skeptical.

“There are more difficult ones too, but start with these. You don’t need my help and I’m sure it will occupy it for a while.” He gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder, earning a smile.

“I’m very annoying, I know.” Lucifer sighs and frowns at the numbers in front of him.

“I don’t mind you being here, really.” Sam assures him. “I just don’t feel well enough to do anything. Maybe tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay, Sam.”

With a little smile the hunter lays back down, listening to Lucifer mumbling the rules he told him and examining the solutions he has to put in. It’s weird how his voice is soothing Sam, luring him into sleep slowly. He doesn’t feel that bad at all anymore, maybe because he’s not alone now. He’s still sick, sweating like a pig and extremely hot, but when he falls asleep this time he doesn’t wake up after an hour or two. This time he sleeps the whole night.

In the early morning hours Sam wakes up, not feeling hot anymore. He quickly discovers why, there’s a wet cloth on his forehead that falls down when he sits up. The cloth is quickly forgotten though, because there’s something very strange that seemed to have happened over night. The whole bed, and apparently the floor too, is covered with sheets of paper. Sam grabs one of them and frowns. There’s a Sudoku on it, completely solved, but it’s not a page from his book. The lines are drawn uneven and some numbers crossed out and replaced with smaller ones.

“Lucifer?” Sam asks, more confused than angry at the mess in his room.

“What’s wrong?” He hears Lucifer’s voice from the floor and crawls to the foot of the bed. Lucifer sits on the floor, a new sheet of paper in front of him, already half filled with a new Sudoku.

“What are you doing?” Sam asks confused, earning a cheeky smile from him.

“I was done with the book, so I made my own puzzles. I wanted to let you sleep.”

“But don’t you need to sleep too?” Sam yawns and studies another paper. Seems like Lucifer got better over time, this one only had two crossed out numbers on it.

“I wanted to wait until you were awake.” Lucifer simply shrugs and finishes the Sudoku in silence.

Sam is surprised that Lucifer seems to have so much fun with these little puzzles, but he’s glad about it. They spend the whole day in Sam’s room together, Lucifer even makes soup and tea for them. Without the horrible headache Lucifer isn’t such an annoying company at all and it helps Sam feel better that he’s not all by himself. He can’t really help but feel comfortable around him, even when he’s vulnerable like this. And it seems that Lucifer doesn’t really mind either, despite Sam being very sleepy and not as chatty as he is used to. He turns out to be surprisingly caring towards him and that just feels nice, Sam can’t deny it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let him know it’s okay not to understand everything right away.

Sam accepted a long time ago already, that Lucifer just has a different way of understanding things. Sometimes it takes him a while, especially when it comes to people around him or, even worse, strangers. Devices like the toaster or a car are surprisingly easy for him to get comfortable with, human emotions on the other hand – a book with seven seals.

At the best of times it’s something Sam can play along with, mostly by giving Lucifer a side glare and a slight shake of his head, signaling him that his reaction is not appropriate. The problem is mainly this: Lucifer has little to no sympathy when it comes to anyone else but Sam. He learned by now what Sam means with his expressions and behavior, but it’s difficult to transfer this knowledge to others.

The worst thing is that Sam doesn’t know how to help him. They tried talking about it, but even though Lucifer is human now; his emotions are still different from a human’s. The complexity of human emotions throws Lucifer off, his own feelings are rather simple compared to them. It seemed like a good idea to involve Lucifer in their investigations, as a silent partner of sorts, just to show him how it’s done. The outcome isn’t even in the slightest what Sam expected when he pulls Lucifer out of a witnesses house, the confused former angel not knowing what happened.

“Can you just not, Lucifer?” Sam growls outside, pushing his arm away that he grabbed before.

“What did I do this time? I was just listening!” Lucifer defends himself, crossing his arms.

“You listened? Really. What exactly about the mumbled ‘oh no here we go again’ when she started to cry was listening?”

Lucifer shrugs and looks back at the house, an annoyed look on his face.

“They _always_ cry, Sam. Either cry or don’t remember anything.” He says. Sam shakes his head, sighing.

“Empathy, Lucifer. We talked about this.” Sam sighs and pinches his nose. Of course he knows Lucifer doesn’t do this on purpose, but it doesn’t make it better. “Listen. This woman just lost her husband and daughter, of course she cries. Just… try not to comment, okay? Make a straight face, look sad, whatever.”

Sam looks at him and he already regrets all of this. Lucifer looks like someone just slapped him and Sam can see the disappointment on his face. He lays a hand on his shoulder, smiling a little.

“Don’t be harsh on yourself, those things will come. Do you want to stay here while I go back inside?”

Lucifer nods slowly. “That would be the best.”  

Sam goes back inside and continues the interrogation while Lucifer waits besides the car. He knows he shouldn’t have been so annoyed and frustrated, but he’s running out of ideas slowly. If contact with other people won’t help and he can’t explain it to Lucifer, how is he supposed to help him?

On their way back they are mostly silent, even though Sam feels that Lucifer wants to say something. He won’t do it in front of Dean, that’s for sure, so he gives him time to come to him when he wants. Lucifer does; when Dean went to bed it knocks on Sam’s door and with a little smile he looks up from his laptop.

“Come in.”

“Sam, I think I need to apologize.” Lucifer says silently when he closes the door, words that don’t come easy for him, never did. Sam pats on the spot next to him and waits until the other sits down.

“It’s not your fault, so don’t worry about it.” He says with a smile. “Maybe I expected too much too fast.”

“I just don’t understand this empathy thing.” Lucifer groans and leans back frustrated. “Why is it so easy to understand you and so difficult to understand everyone else?”

Sam sighs and put his laptop away. It’s something he wonders about himself very often, but the only explanation is as easy as it’s confusing. They _are_ alike, yes. But there is also still a bond connecting them, whether he likes it or not. Due to their past and Lucifer possessing him he got a glimpse at his soul and this can’t be undone it seems.

“It’s okay to not understand this right away. You try, so no one will blame you.” He finally says, not knowing how to make Lucifer actually believe him. Failing at something is horrible for the former angel, Sam knows that by now. “I don’t remember any of it, but when my soul was… down there… I must have been the same. Empathy was nothing I had, I just tried to… fake it.”

“Fake it…” Lucifer mumbles, but then shakes his head as if he’s throwing the thought away. “I don’t even know how to do that. I get when you’re upset or happy, but even Dean is a mystery to me.”

“Because you and I, we share a part of each other.” Sam says, but doesn’t look up. It’s not easy for him to admit this, even if Lucifer grew on him over the months. He knows Lucifer isn’t the big evil he always assumed, but admitting this is – difficult.

“Is this why you have not given up on me yet?” Lucifer asks, as if doubting himself. Sam looks up and meets his eyes, sadness filling them.

“I promised you I won’t give up on you and I’m keeping this promise.” Sam tries to smile, but it’s a little weak. “We went through a lot of crap, you know it, I know it. But, I like you, really.”

Lucifer smiles sadly, looking away.

“Like me. No one _liked_ me for eons.”

“Maybe not, but I know that I do, okay?” Sam says and lays a hand on Lucifer’s shoulder. He tried to ignore the fact that he did for a long time, but it just came naturally somehow. Liking Lucifer is – easy, despite what happened. He doesn’t understand it himself.

With a sigh Lucifer lays his own hand on Sam’s, squeezing it. He doesn’t turn around and Sam knows why, but it’s okay this way. Time and patience is one thing, but understanding is more important. For Sam it doesn’t matter if Lucifer doesn’t understand things right away or not at all; important is that he accepts himself and what he can and can’t do.

“Thank you, Sam.” Lucifer says after a while, his voice heavy; as if he is trying not to cry. Maybe he is.

Sam smiles and leans his head against Lucifer’s back, an out of the moment thing that feels strange and good at the same time. Things will _never_ be easy, he realized that. Even if they stop hunting, he won’t stop being there for Lucifer; he just can’t. Because there’s something else he can’t lay his finger on yet, he only knows it’s important. And it’s _right_. The grip around his hand tightens, not much, just enough for him to notice.

Maybe both of them have things to understand, not only Lucifer.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let him follow you around the bunker. Let him observe you comfortable in your body so he can learn acceptance in his. Let him trace his fingers over all the imperfections in your skin, let him ask questions about anything he doesn’t understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is taking a slight more serious turn now, but it will not disappoint you I hope.

Sam realized quickly that something between him and Lucifer had changed, but even if his common sense screams at him that this is wrong, he know it’s not. Lucifer had always been in the same room he was in, or most of the time at least, but now he follows Sam around, asks questions, touches him. Somehow it feels like this gives him safety, reassures him that things are alright the way they are. Sam doesn’t mind, despite Dean giving him weird and annoyed looks. He doesn’t approve Lucifer clinging on his brother more visibly now, but Sam isn’t going to tell Lucifer to stop.

He kind of enjoys knowing when he turns around, Lucifer will be there. At first he’s a little intimidated and confused, but it gets better after a while and soon it’s calming to know Lucifer is always around. Sam knows this is some sort of therapy for Lucifer, even if he’d never admit it. Being accepted and not pushed away when he searches for contact is important to him, more than any of them can imagine.

So, when Lucifer comes to Sam’s door in the middle of the night, the hunter already sound asleep, he isn’t really surprised. Sam hears the knock and tells the other to come in, before even sitting up completely.

“What’s wrong, Lucifer?” He yawns behind his hand and gives Lucifer a sleepy eyed look. He notices the pillow in the former angel’s hands of course, which draws a slight smile from the hunter.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Lucifer asks silently, without stepping into the room yet.

“Bad dreams?”

“Kind of. I… just don’t think I can be alone right now.”

Sam notices that Lucifer is embarrassed about this and nods. He shoves himself to the side of his bed a little, making space for Lucifer and being glad that he has a king size bed in this moment.

“I – I will sleep on the couch, you don’t have to –“

“No.” Sam interrupts the other, patting on the space next to him. “I won’t let you sleep on the couch. You can come here, it’s alright.” Another yawn escapes him when Lucifer walks over and does as Sam told him.

He’s lying there, stiff and visible uncomfortable, so Sam turns to his side, facing him and smiling.

“I don’t mind, really.” He assures him again. Lucifer relaxes a tiny bit and turns his head.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, I just… didn’t know what else to do.”

“Bad dreams are normal, I have them too. It’s just human.”

“Yeah…” Lucifer sighs and curls up next to Sam, still a distance between them he won’t close. “ _Human_.”

“Come here.” Sam says, his voice warm and inviting, but Lucifer just looks at him, confused and wary.

“What?”

“I said: Come here.” Sam repeats patiently, lifting one of his arms a little. He knows it’s risky and isn’t even sure if Lucifer will really react; but he’s so damn tired and doesn’t want the other to stay awake.

After a few moments Lucifer finally moves, slowly shoving himself a little closer. He’s still not too close though, unsure what Sam has in mind. Since he doesn’t seem to come any closer, Sam lets his arm down, his hand resting on Lucifer’s waist.

“What are you doing?” Lucifer asks, his eyes moving down to Sam’s hand. He feels strange somehow, kind of fuzzy, and he’s not sure if he likes it or not.

“Trying something. You can come closer, I won’t bite.”

Lucifer hesitates, but in the end gives in, mainly because he wants to know what this is all about. When he’s close enough, Sam wraps his arm around his waist a little and closes his eyes.

“Is it okay this way?” He asks, shifting slightly so Lucifer can make himself comfortable.

It’s a weird feeling, Lucifer has to admit. Sam is warm and soft, not really how Lucifer feels usually, because even without his grace he’s cold most of the time. Still, it’s not so bad that he would want to run away, maybe because it’s Sam and he knows Sam won’t hurt him or anything.

“I think so.” He mumbles finally, closing his eyes too.

“You can turn around if that’s better, I don’t mind. Just try to sleep, okay?”

Curious, Lucifer does turn around, so that his back is against Sam’s chest. It’s more comfortable this way, he doesn’t even mind when Sam’s arm wraps around him a little tighter. There is a strange feeling of safety in him and a smile spreads on his lips.

“Good night, Lucifer.” Sam whispers from behind and Lucifer, smiling a little more at the sound of Sam’s voice, snuggles himself closer to the warmth he provides.

“Good night, Sam.”

The bad dreams, they don’t come back this night. There is a feeling of peace inside Lucifer when he drifts into sleep. Instead of hearing the screams of an insane brother and the cries of innocent souls there is the sound of birds and a forest around him, not the fires of hell.

Lucifer doesn’t sleep as long as Sam does and when he wakes up in the morning he’s confused or a few moments. When it dawns on him that he’s not alone and that they lay even closer now – Sam’s leg shoved between Lucifer’s and his face leaning against his own – he’s shocked. His whole body stiffens for a moment, panic overwhelming him at how freaking _close_ they are. It’s still dark in the room, Lucifer can’t see Sam, but that he feels him is enough to be unable to stop it. There’s barely air filling his lungs.

“Sam.”

His voice is cut off, raspy, followed by more hitching as he fights for air. Maybe the panic in it wakes Sam up, he doesn’t know; what he knows is that only seconds later the light is turned on and Sam is there, his hands on Lucifer’s chest and the soothing voice ringing in his ears.

“It’s okay, breathe. Just breathe, it’s all good, I’m here.”

Sam helps him sit up, the fear in the former angel’s eyes stinging in his chest. He keeps murmuring and mumbling, words he doesn’t even know anymore later. All he does is trying to distract Lucifer from what happens, tries to get his focus on _him_ instead of diving into what happens. It works, but it takes time. Minutes pass and slowly Sam notices Lucifer relax, his breath becoming almost normal again.

“See, it’s all good. What happened, another bad dream?” He asks when Lucifer is calm again and simply looks down at his hands on the bed, face red and hot. Lucifer shakes his head slowly.

“Y-You… I… I didn’t…” he shakes his head again, almost furious this time, as if he’s angry at himself. “I – _panicked_.” Finally the words come out and he dares to look up.

“Why did you panic?” Sam asks surprised.

“I don’t know… you were _there_ and I just… snapped I think.”

“It’s good again now, don’t worry.” Sam smiles, a warm smile, full of understanding. One of his hands still holds Lucifer’s and now that he’s normal again he feels relief. For a moment he was close to panic too.

“Fuck, I totally flipped it.” Lucifer scolds himself, but Sam just laughs at the words.

“At least you didn’t slap me. That’s a start. Worth it I’d say.”

“Worth what?”

“You slept, didn’t you? If it helped you sleep I don’t mind the rough wake up call.”

Lucifer’s lips twitch, but he doesn’t really smile. Can he tell Sam that he actually liked what happened, before he freaked out? It will probably give the wrong vibe, he knows, but he can’t help it.

“I slept better than usually.” He finally admits, quietly.

“That’s good.” Sam smiles. He stretches himself for a moment, before shoving himself off the bed. His bare back turned to Lucifer, he stretches his neck too, when suddenly there is a cold touch on his hips.

“What are those?” Lucifer asks, his voice almost a whisper. Sam curiously turns his head.

“Those? Old scars, nothing bad, don’t worry.”

But there is something in Lucifer’s eyes, is it sadness? His fingers trace the scars on Sam’s back, every single one. Sam lets him. It doesn’t feel wrong somehow, actually it’s kind of soothing in a way.

“How did you get them?”

“Fights, mostly.” Sam shrugs. Lucifer has reached his shoulder blades, tracing a long scar there, thin, but once deep and dangerous. The cold on it sends a shiver through Sam, a quite pleasant one.

“I wish I could make them vanish.” Lucifer whispers sad, and Sam smiles.

“They belong to me, you don’t have to. I don’t even see them.”

There is something going on with Lucifer, Sam can feel it. He stopped tracing his back, but his hand still remains there. His eyes rest on one scar, so much Sam can tell, right next to the big one he traced before. It’s a weird little thing, caused by a fight when he was still a teenager. Suddenly Lucifer’s fingers move again and rest over the little star shaped scar.

“This one… it must have hurt.”

“I forgot about that already.” Sam chuckles and now forces himself around, if only to take Lucifer’s eyes away from the scars and hopefully from the bad thoughts creeping up in him.

“Don’t they annoy you sometimes? They destroy your skin, mark you. Don’t you mind?” Lucifer asks, wondering.

“This is me, Lucifer.” Sam smiles at him. He grabs a shirt from the ground and slips into it, covering the imperfections. "It's like my eyes and my hair, that’s just who I am.”

“Do you think I can think the same about myself one day? Love myself?”

Sam gives Lucifer a confused look, before realizing _what_ the other is saying. It’s what he already knows and still, it’s breaking his heart. Lucifer _can’t_ accept and love himself, no matter how hard he tries.

“I’m sure you will.” He finally says. “And if not, I will.”

To assure Lucifer that he means what he said, and not really thinking for the moment, Sam leans forward and brings their foreheads together. For a second or two he closes his eyes, a smile spreading on his lips.

“I _always_ will, Lucifer.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trust him. Do not force anything on him. If he leaves, he will come back. You will let him in. Always, you will let him back in.

Sam doesn’t know how they have ended up sharing the same bed most nights, but he can’t help but feel comfortable somehow. Lucifer had a few more nightmares, resulting in him coming to Sam’s door in the middle of the night again, and how can he tell him to leave? Seeing the once so proud angel like this, his head hanging low and clutching his pillow to have at least _something_ to hold on – he just can’t. After a week or two of this going on Sam simply asks Lucifer one evening if he’s tired and wants to go to bed. And Lucifer just nods, following him into his room.

They don’t talk about it at first. Lucifer is too embarrassed to bring the topic up and Sam… well, he doesn’t want to force the other to talk about it until he’s ready. He really doesn’t mind Lucifer sleeping in his bed, even if it’s a bit strange from the outside. During those nights Lucifer is peaceful, there are no nightmares and isn’t that worth the strange looks Dean gives him and the snarky comments during breakfast? He thinks so. Because, despite not sharing a bed regularly for almost twenty-five years, he can still sleep good and having someone next to him isn’t the worst thing that could have happened, right?

It’s not easy this way though, because sometimes Sam wakes up at night and is unable to fall asleep again. Every time this happens, Lucifer talks in his dreams. Enochian, most of the time, but sometimes he seems to talk to someone else too, that’s what worries Sam. Because it’s Gabriel he’s talking to, Lucifer said his name a few times, and even if he can’t understand the words, he understands the desperation in them and the need to apologize. Lucifer doesn’t mention it, but Sam knows he still feels guilty because of what happened.

Things aren’t sunshine and rainbows of course, they will never be Sam assumes, but he thinks it’s getting better. That is until Dean decides to talk about Lucifer’s nightly visits in Sam’s room though and Lucifer just snaps.

They are having breakfast, Lucifer serving one of his pretty good pancakes again, when Dean drops the question and Lucifer, shocked and startled, drops the pan in his hands too.

“What the hell is going on with you two love birds?”

Lucifer doesn’t turn around at the question, or the loud bang that follows then the pan hits the floor, but his hands are clenching to fists.

“What the hell, Dean?” Sam gasps, not less shocked by this direct and, definitely hurting, question.

“Three weeks, Sammy. Three weeks that the devil is sleeping in your room and I want to know what the fuck is going on.” Dean gives him a serious look, ignoring the heavy breathing coming from Lucifer. Sam notices it of course, but he has to deal with his brother first.

“Stop calling him that.” He tells him harsh. “He’s sleeping in my room to sleep _at all_ , what is wrong with that?”

“Oh, really? Does that include _cuddling_ too now?”

“What –“ Sam can’t finish his sentence, because the next thing he knows is that Lucifer is suddenly _on_ Dean, throwing him backwards with his chair and presses him to the ground. He jumps up and rushes over, using all his strength to pull the former angel from his brother and preventing him from going any further than that.

Lucifer is furious, he can’t explain it otherwise. His breath is heavy and his chest moves up and down, making it hard for Sam to hold him back at the moment. He still wants to rush back to Dean, probably to punch him or whatever because he can’t smite him anymore, and Sam really has no idea what the hell he should do now.

“Lucifer!” He finally calls out, still fighting to pull the other away from Dean. “Calm the fuck down!”

“He has no right to talk about me like that!” Lucifer rages, trying hard to get away from Sam. “He doesn’t have the damn _right_!”

“I know, okay? I _know_!” Sam assures him desperately. “But you’re not helping right now!”

“See what I mean, Sammy? He hasn’t changed, how can’t you see that?” Dean scoffs when he pulls himself up, wiping some blood off his lip.

“ _You have no idea, you hairless ape!_ ”

With these words and with one last hard shrug Lucifer escapes from Sam’s grip, but he doesn’t storm towards Dean again. Instead he heads for the door, almost runs out of the kitchen as fast as he can.

“Dean!” Sam growls angry, trying to catch his breath again. “Was that necessary?”

“You’re blind, Sam! This is the fucking devil, did you forget that?” Dean asks, visibly angry himself. “He’s manipulating you and you fall for it without even questioning him!”

“He’s _not_ manipulating me! He came to me because he had nightmares and they are gone when he sleeps in my room, so what’s your problem?”

“You fucking _cuddle_ him like he’s your boyfriend or something. Don’t you think that’s a little _wrong_?”

“No, it’s not.” Sam sighs. He turns away from his brother and picks up the pan Lucifer dropped, shaking his head. “He is trying to be human, okay? I know you don’t like that he’s constantly around me but it helps him. Remember when Castiel became human? You remember what happened when you threw him out of the bunker?”

“That’s something different.” Dean immediately says, causing Sam to huff.

“It’s not different. He nearly got killed. Lucifer needs help, he’s not the devil anymore; he’s just lost.”

“Fine, help him, but don’t act like you’re a couple, dammit!”

Sam puts the pan into the sink and turns around, giving Dean a sad and almost apologizing look. It’s clear that Dean hates Lucifer, still does, but Sam is long over this. He can’t tell him the truth, how he actually needs Lucifer next to him to sleep by now too, but he has to say something.

“We belong together, one way or the other.” He says silently, words that don’t hurt anymore these days. He accepted it. “He fucked up, I fucked up too. Would you throw me out because of that?”

“I – no – of course not! But, you’re my _brother_ and he is –“

“He’s what, Dean?”

Dean wants to say something, probably ‘the devil’ or ‘an asshole’ or whatever else he finds suitable, but he doesn’t. He closes his mouth and shakes his head, then turns to the table and pulls the chair back up to sit down.

“If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.” Dean says after a long silence and Sam simply nods. There’s no need to say anything else, he knows Dean will do what he said. Hasn’t it been like this their whole life?

“I’ll see if I can find the runaway.” Sam sighs and goes off to search for Lucifer.

After thirty minutes he has to accept that Lucifer is gone from the bunker. It doesn’t help much that his clothes are still there and that no car is missing; he _still_ worries. Lucifer alone outside can get him into trouble if he gets on the wrong people’s nerves and Sam doesn’t want that of course.

The whole day Lucifer stays gone and while Sam is sure he will come back, one way or the other, he can’t find anything to do while he’s out. He does think about what Dean said, that he treats Lucifer like his boyfriend or something, and doesn’t he, honestly? They spend all their time together, they sleep in the same bed; hell, they _do_ cuddle! But they are not a _couple_ , just friends who try to make the other feel safe. Or not?

Sure, Sam grew to like Lucifer a lot, more than he ever thought he could, and he doesn’t want him to leave anymore. His company is nice and even entertaining at times. And damn, he worries about him a lot too. Sam won’t admit it to Dean, but the thought of them being more than friends isn’t even scaring him. He never thought about this before, mostly saw their relationship as the angel-vessel one it was, but he wouldn’t freak out if it became something else. Or so he hopes.

While Sam is still thinking, and walking up and down Lucifer’s room, the door suddenly opens and breaks him out of his reverie. For a moment he stares at the man in the door, not sure if he’s hallucinating or not, until he speaks.

“Hey, Sam.”

Sam doesn’t think, just rushes forward and pulls Lucifer into his arms – angry, relieved, sad, he doesn’t know. All he knows is that he needs to hold him right now and assure himself that he’s back and that nothing bad happened. Lucifer seems confused for a second, but then he closes his own arms around Sam, holding him too.

“Don’t _ever_ do that again!” Sam whispers against Lucifer’s head, fighting with his voice to sound angry instead of just desperate. “I was so fucking worried!”

“I’m okay, Sam, really.” Lucifer assures him and when Sam finally lets him go smiles slightly. “I was just angry. I had to leave or I would have lost control.”

“Because of what Dean said?” Sam asks, slightly more himself now. “He didn’t mean it that way, he didn’t want to upset you.”

“No, I – he did, I know that.” Lucifer shakes his head slowly. “But he’s right. This is weird and I shouldn’t sleep in your bed and all that.”

“What are you talking about?”

Lucifer gives Sam a sad smile and suddenly the hunter _knows_ what this is. The former angel is doing this to not come between Sam and Dean, to prevent Sam from fighting with his brother. This isn’t what Lucifer _wants_ , this is what he thinks is _expected_ of him.

“Dean is right, all this is wrong and we both know it.”

“No, Lucifer.” Sam says harsh. “You said you wouldn’t lie to me, but you’re doing it now. Forget Dean, what do _you_ want?”

“What I want doesn’t matter.” Lucifer insists and walks over to his bed to sit down. He doesn’t look at Sam anymore now, which is kind of unnerving. “I won’t occupy you all the time anymore.”

“The hell you will!” Sam huffs annoyed and plops down next to Lucifer. He forces his head around to look at him. “I told you I’m here for you and I’ll keep this promise. Now stop pleasing Dean and tell me what you _really_ want.”

For a moment Lucifer doesn’t speak, just looks at Sam with his eyes full of sadness and remorse. Sam just wants to slap some sense into him right now, but he knows this isn’t how things will get better. Sadly.

“So, what is it? Because you were not like this the last weeks. Why are you now?” Sam pesters further.

“You and Dean belong together, Sam. I’m just an intruder.” Lucifer’s voice is low and silent, as if the words hurt him. “I’m glad you helped me so much, but I don’t want to destroy all of this just because I think I deserve something better – or want it. You don’t owe me anything, Sam. You did enough.”

“Maybe.” Sam shrugs. His hand isn’t forcing Lucifer towards him anymore, now it’s just resting on his chin without moving. “But I like the way things are. Dean doesn’t understand, I don’t think he ever will, but I thought you did.”

“You don’t want me to… leave?” Lucifer asks confused.

“No, I don’t. It’s weird, yeah, but the good kind of weird. Don’t you think?”

Lucifer sighs and turns his head back around, away from Sam. It’s like he’s fighting with himself and Sam thinks that this is exactly the case. He wishes things wouldn’t always be so damn difficult sometimes.

“I don’t deserve this, Sam. I did so many things to you, the cage, what happened after that, when you got your soul back. I just –“

“Stop right there.” Sam orders harsh and to his surprise Lucifer listens. “The cage wasn’t you, those hallucinations wasn’t _you_. Stop blaming yourself for things you didn’t _do_.”

“Then why did you hallucinate about _me_?” Lucifer asks, devastated. “If it wasn’t me doing all this, if it was the wall breaking like you said and memories from the cage leaking, how can you say it wasn’t me?”

“I don’t know, really.” Sam sighs. “What I know is that you are important to me and I want you to see that. You _deserve_ to be happy, Lucifer. I _want_ you to be.”

“I’m only happy around you and I know how you feel about that so I will never –”

Sam takes a deep breath and finally decides to stop playing games. Lucifer drowns in self-conscious again and he’s not having any of this anymore, no way. He brings his hand to the others cheek again, turning him back around as he speaks, and before Lucifer can do anything but widen his eyes, he kisses him.

The hard and uncomfortable touch wakes Sam up and only then he realizes what he is doing right now. Lucifer doesn’t look less shocked, but they don’t part; just stare at each other, their lips pressed together and not knowing what the hell is going on.

Suddenly Sam feels something new, a tickling in his whole body. It’s not bad, just somehow unfamiliar, causing him to break the kiss after a few seconds. Lucifer simply stares at Sam, his eyes not as wide anymore, but somewhat clouded. And then, maybe for half a second, Sam sees something else in his eyes. It’s gone before he can really say what it is, but it looked like a spiral of light somehow.

“What… did you do?” Lucifer asks, voice barely audible. His fingers brush over his lips, trembling. “Why did you _do_ that?”

“I-I don’t know.” Sam mumbles ashamed. He just kissed Lucifer, how the hell is he going to explain that to any of them? It wasn’t even planned, he just _did_ it.

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know.” Sam repeats himself, unable to think straight. He stands up, shaking his head slowly as he does. “I – I have to go. I’m sorry.”

Sam leaves Lucifer’s room without another word, more confused than ever before in his life. He has no idea what just got into him and what this strange feeling was, yet alone this weird light in Lucifer’s eyes. The most confusing thing is not that he just kissed him though, it’s the fact that it didn’t feel wrong _at all_. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to wrap his mind around _that_ anytime soon.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be patient. Mountains are formed and ruined over billions of years.

_I just kissed Lucifer._

The thought repeats itself over and over again in Sam’s head and he’s unable to think about anything else at the moment. Sam barely notices that he leaves the bunker, only when the wind slaps into his face he realized he’s outside. For a moment Sam just stands and tries to breathe, before he climbs up the little hill over the entrance and just lays down there, staring at the sky.

This is really the dumbest thing he _ever_ did in his life, he can’t deny it. Lucifer probably had no idea what the hell was going on back there, or maybe he did, who knows? He got used to human customs after all, even though kissing wasn’t really one of the things Sam taught him about.

“What did I do?” Sam asks himself and sits up with a groan. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs. “Why the hell did I run away?”

He really has no idea. Things have been going so good, why can’t they just stay the way they are? Why must Dean say something so stupid and ruin everything Sam worked so hard for over the last months? Lucifer was finally comfortable, finally getting better; and now it’s all ashes and dust again. But can he blame Dean for it, honestly? He’s worried, that’s all. He could have chosen a better way to talk about it, but now the damage is done and honestly, Sam fucked up more, he knows it.

—

Sam isn’t the only one confused by what happened though, Lucifer is just the same.

When Sam is gone he simply sits there and stares at the door, unable to understand what just happened. Not that it wasn’t a nice feeling when Sam was this close, but why did he do it? Again Lucifer’s fingers brush over his lips, trying to recall this feeling of comfort and warmth and… no, that can’t be. This idea is stupid. It’s just made up from his loneliness and nightmares and from the fear of Sam rejecting him. Which, let’s be honest, Sam just did.

“As if he could love me.” Lucifer sighs and stands up, shaking his head. He feels weird somehow, unsure if it’s because of what Sam did or not. It’s like his head is spinning somehow, but not only that. He’s colder than usual, just a little bit, but enough for him to notice. These strange feelings regarding Sam just add to this and make him feel almost nauseous.

Carefully Lucifer takes a step away from the bed, towards his desk. Everything is spinning around him and he barely manages to grab the wooden surface for support. Angrily he presses his lips together, preventing himself from calling out for Sam. He’s not going to annoy him any further, he won’t allow himself to. This went way too far already, Sam proved it with just walking away.

With gritted teeth Lucifer drags himself out of the room, using the walls to keep himself on his feet. He’s going to get his pillow back to his own room, the books he left in Sam’s too, and forget about all of this. Dean is right after all, it’s unnatural what he does and he _is_ manipulating Sam, even if he doesn’t see it himself. Because he wants him close; he’s selfish, that’s all. Sam leaving, showing exactly that this was a huge mistake, just proved it. Just as Michael kept telling him, the devil is bad luck.

When he arrives in Sam’s room, already expecting the hunter to be there, he finds it empty. He groans when his head takes another opportunity to play tricks on him; for a moment he thought the lights were flickering. He doesn’t register that he can see better than he should, given the light in Sam’s room is dimmed. Locating the pillow on the bed, Lucifer forces himself further, glad and sad at the same time that Sam is nowhere to be seen. He’ll just grab it, go back to his room and lock himself away. It’s the best thing to do, anything else would just end up hurting Sam and before he did that he’d rather kill himself.

It happens in slow motion, but Lucifer is unable to prevent any of it. His feet, shaking as much as he is without noticing, entangle with his next step, causing him to fall straight forward. When it happens he can only widen his eyes and beg that he’ll hit the mattress or the floor; anything but the nightstand. He doesn’t have so much luck of course. He hits the nightstand with his head, sending spirals of pain through his head and he can hear his skull breaking, just _knows_ this must be what happens. Black roses bloom before his eyes when he finally hits the bed and then slides to the floor, not realizing that he’s screaming his lungs out. There is no sound anymore; there is just his head exploding and the wish to just die and end it all.

—

Dean tries to ignore the bang, but when he hears the screams he knows something is totally wrong. That’s not Sam, so only Lucifer is left. He jumps up from his bed, nearly knocking the beer on his nightstand over as he does, and runs down the corridor. By now the screams are gone, in fact there is absolute silence and that’s even worse. And where the hell is Sam? This is his annoying friend after all, not Deans! When he slides through the door he doesn’t care for how annoying Lucifer is anymore though.

“Fuck.” He hisses and gets on his knees next to the unconscious man on the floor of Sam’s room. He sees the blood under his head and damn, also the wound over his ear. Carefully, hoping he’s wrong with his assumption, he examines the spot. “Son of a _bitch_!”

He needs to get Sam, and Castiel, but Sam is more important now. This isn’t good.

“If you die, I swear I’ll kill you!” Dean growls when he drags himself up, already calling out for Sam and Castiel alike. As he expected, Castiel doesn’t answer, but he hears footsteps from the entrance after a few minutes and sighs in relief.

“Dean? What happened?” They basically run to each other and Dean immediately grabs his brother’s arm to drag him to Lucifer.

“Your little boyfriend broke his fucking skull! What have you two done?”

“He – WHAT?” Sam pushes Dean away and just runs, panic in his eyes and calling out for Lucifer. Dean rolls his eyes and follows him quickly, cursing the devil and angels and basically everything in between.

Sam rushes into the room, but doesn’t find what he thought he would. Lucifer seems… okay? He’s sitting on the bed and holds his head, visibly in pain, yes, but not deadly injured.

“Lucifer? Are you alright?” Sam gets on his knees before him, carefully taking the other’s hand away from his head to inspect the damage. “What happened?”

“I… I don’t know.” Lucifer mumbles, pressing his eyes close. “I fell and –“

“Wait, what?” Dean interrupts him and Sam looks over. His brother lost control over his face.

“What?”

“He was… his fucking head was – why are you sitting? You were unconscious!”

“I was?” Lucifer asks confused and manages to look up. “I – I fell and… I don’t know, it was all black and… then I heard Dean yell and woke up. My head hurts.”

“Let me see that.” Sam says patiently and, as careful as possible, runs his fingers over the bloody spot right above Lucifer’s ear. Where the blood comes from he can’t say, there’s just a small cut there; it can’t produce that much blood. Everything else seems fine though, no broken skull, nothing.

“It was broken! Sam, I felt it, there was a crack in his skull!” Dean insists and walks over. Lucifer tries to back away, but the pain in his head prevents him from doing anything but groan when Dean does the same Sam did before. “What the… Sam, I swear he was half dead when I found him!”

“Well, he’s not anymore.” Sam sighs. This is weird, really. He believes Dean, the blood on the floor proves him right, but how on earth can Lucifer still be sitting and only having a really bad headache and a cut? “Lucifer, can you stand up?” Sam asks friendly. He takes the other’s hand, who grips it tight right away. “We need to clean this mess up and Cas needs to take a look at you.”

“I’m fine, really.” Lucifer groans when Sam helps him up. It’s still all spinning around him, but not as bad as before. Just his head is killing him right now. He doesn’t think he hurt himself badly, but he did hit his head on the nightstand, so much he knows.

“You’re not fine. You have a concussion at least, now let me help you with this.” Sam insists.

He helps Lucifer to the bathroom and sits him down on the toilet, before getting a cloth and some water. Carefully Sam cleans the blood out of Lucifer’s hair and the wound too, revealing a cut barely an inch long. As he works, Lucifer closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall. Now and then he flinches or groans, but other than that he stays calm.

“There, as good as new.” Sam smiles when he’s finally done and the cut is covered with a few straps from the first aid kit. Lucifer opens his eyes, but takes a few seconds to focus on the hunter.

“Thanks, Sam.”

“My pleasure.” Sam quickly puts the first aid kit away again and offers Lucifer his hand to stand up again.

They walk back to Sam’s room and as careful as he can Sam helps Lucifer to lay down on his bed. There’s a wet spot on the floor, indicating that Dean got rid of the blood. Sam makes a mental note to thank him as soon as he can, also for leaving them alone now.

A few moments later it knocks on the door and Castiel steps in.

“Cas, thank god.” Sam sighs relieved. “Can you check Lucifer please? He hit his head and I need to know if there’s any damage I missed.”

“Of course, Sam.” Castiel walks over to the bed and sits down on Sam’s spot. He lays a hand on Lucifer’s forehead and closes his eyes for a moment. “He has a mild concussion, but nothing more serious.”

“Dean said his skull was broken when he found him…”

“No, there is nothing broken but… it was.” Castiel says and frowns. Lucifer opens his eyes, looking at him a little confused. “It’s healed now, don’t worry.” The angel assures him.

“Anything else?” Lucifer asks and drags himself into a sitting position. His head feels a little better already, which he’s glad about.

“No. I see Sam has taken care of your wound, anything else will go away with time. Just don’t sleep for the next hours.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Sam smiles at the angel, who nods and walks over to him.

“Can I talk to you for a moment, alone?” Castiel asks and Sam nods. He’s a little confused as to why he wants to talk to him alone, but he won’t argue with that. Maybe there _is_ something else.

“What is it?” Sam asks outside, now a tad worried.

“I believe Dean. His skull _was_ broken, Sam. And it just recently healed.”

Sam stares at Castiel with huge eyes. How is this possible?

“Are you sure?” He asks, wringing his hands.

“I am. He healed himself. I don’t know how it’s possible or what happened, but the blood Dean told me about shows there was more than just a small cut. Lucifer definitely healed on his own.”

“O-Okay… t-thank you, Cas.” Sam is stunned.

He pats Castiel’s shoulder without thinking and walks back into his room, closing the door behind him. To be sure no one will disturb them, he locks it too. Lucifer seems to be doing fine, no wonder if what Castiel said is true. But… how? He’s human, one hundred percent human. There is nothing able to heal him, except Castiel, but he didn’t do it.

“Sam, are you there?”

Sam shakes his head, trying to shove the worries away. He can think about that later, now Lucifer is important. He ran away once, he won’t do it again, not even in his own thoughts. After taking a deep breath he walks over to the bed and sits down next to the former angel, trying to smile.

“I’m here. How’s your head?”

“Getting better.” Lucifer tries to sound as if the pain is already gone, but his face tells Sam the truth; he grimaces.

“Listen, what happened before… I didn’t mean to just run away. I was a little shocked, you know.” Sam mumbles, his cheeks getting red when he just thinks about it. Maybe it’s the wrong time to talk about it, but if he doesn’t do it now he never will.

“You made a mistake.” Lucifer says quietly, sighing. “I know you didn’t mean to do that.”

“Don’t say it like this.” Sam bites his lip, unsure how to tell Lucifer that this wasn’t _just_ an accident. “You sound like I lost my mind.”

“You don’t have to explain anything, Sam. I fully understand.”

“Will you stop this? How can _you_ understand?” Sam jumps up from the bed, running a hand through his hair. Lucifer does it again, he just can’t stand this. “I don’t understand it myself, okay? Stop acting like you’re a bug or something and what I did was disgusting!”

“Sam, it’s okay, really. You didn’t mean to, you don’t have to say this to make me feel better.”

The hunter lets out a frustrated growl and clenches the hand in his hair to a fist.

“I did _not_ say that to make you feel better!” He tells Lucifer harsher than he wants, slowly losing his patience. He doesn’t want to, but Lucifer makes it really hard for him. “I’m sorry I ran away, pretty sure you think that means I _am_ disgusted by what I did, but I’m not, okay?”

Lucifer looks at him with confusion in his face, but there’s something else. He seems relieved. He doesn’t say a word though, maybe because he doesn’t know _what_ to say, so Sam takes another deep breath and sits down again.

“Look, I don’t know why I did that, but I don’t regret it, you have to understand that.” He tries to not sound like a complete idiot now, probably failing miserably at it. “I have no idea what it means or why it doesn’t feel wrong or bad, but that’s how it is.”

“It didn’t feel wrong for me too.” Lucifer admits after a few minutes of silence, causing Sam to look at him again. He slowly takes Lucifer’s hand in his to have something to hold on, and smiles a little.

“I didn’t want to shock you. You were just so upset and raging how you don’t deserve to be happy, you wouldn’t _listen_.”

“I’m a little difficult sometimes, I know.”

“Underestimation.” Sam chuckles, glad that Lucifer isn’t mad at him. “Forget what Dean said, you can stay here if you want to. I like having you there when I wake up, I really don’t mind.”

“You don’t think it’s dumb? Or wrong and disgusting?”

“I never did.” Sam assures him.

“I don’t want to use you, Sam. I just feel safe when I’m here.” Lucifer looks to the side, not directly at Sam, but from his position the hunter can see that his eyes are wet. “It’s been eons since anyone was close to me, emotionally I mean. I know I might see too much in this and make things worse by thinking you mean what my head tells me you do, but I can’t help it.”

Sam drawn circles into Lucifer’s palm, trying to soothe the other and himself just alike. His words hurt. How can he think that he’s using him? Sam never thought like this for a second.

“I’ll be here for you, Lucifer. _Always_. I promised to stand by your side, I won’t go away.”

“I’m not good for you, Sam. Just look what I do… you should go out, find a nice girl and not be trapped here with me because I can’t get my life as a human together.”

“Don’t ever say that again.” Sam knows that this is Lucifer’s self-loathe speaking, but it doesn’t lessen the guilt he feels himself. That he even thinks like this proves Sam hurt him more than he imagined by leaving. “Look at me, Lucifer.”

At first Lucifer doesn’t react, simply keeps staring at the nightstand without a word. When he finally turns around, Sam smiles slightly.

“If you wouldn’t be good for me, don’t you think I’d say something? I don’t know what this is, but I want you to stay here – _with_ me.”

“Are you sure?” Lucifer asks silently and Sam’s smile brightens a little.

He leans forward, closes the distance between them the second time this day, and seals Lucifer’s lips with his. This time there is no anger or force in the touch; it’s simply warm and good. After a moment Lucifer closes his eyes and Sam lays his hand on his cheek, doing the same. It really feels good; as if Lucifer was made for Sam. The thought makes him smile against the other’s lips. Of course he is, they were made for each other. When Sam pulls back he doesn’t do it without a little sadness that he has to break their connection.

“I am.” He promises, his voice slightly hoarse from the absence of air before.

Sam doesn’t know what it means, but it feels like something clicked into place; something he didn’t know he needed until now. He feels content and, given the blissful expression on Lucifer’s face, the other feels the same. At the moment he’s not ready to use the big word that circles in his head, but he’s sure soon he will be able to admit the truth.

For the first time since he lost Jess, he believes that he’s falling in love again. And he doesn’t mind at all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember that you love him. Remember that he loves you. Remember why you both are doing this.

Sam told Lucifer he doesn’t want him to leave and it’s the truth. They lay on the bed, Lucifer’s head on Sam’s chest and the TV in front of them long forgotten; both of them deep in their dreams. Sam’s arm is around Lucifer, the weight not even bothering him in the slightest. It feels good to be close to him, he thought before he drifted to sleep too. Lucifer fell asleep very quick, but it’s no surprise really. He had a rough day, both physically and emotionally. Sam’s fingers are still entangled in Lucifer’s hair, both keeping him close and just feeling him; he needs it somehow. Needs to know he’s there.

When morning comes Sam is the first to wake up, smiling when he notices Lucifer is still next to him. He remembers the night before, the second kiss. This warm feeling rises in his chest again and he never welcomed anything more in his life. Gently he places a kiss on Lucifer’s head, brushing his fingers over his neck. Lucifer moves a little, nuzzles his face against him more.

“Time to wake up, Morning Star.” Sam whispers, smiling when Lucifer chuckles and turns his head a little.

“Don’t call me that.” He mumbles, his breath tickling Sam’s neck so he has to chuckle too.

“But you are, now wake up.” Sam kisses Lucifer’s cheek, longer this time. Lucifer groans and turns his head towards him, turning the sweet kiss into a real one when their lips meet.

“Can’t we stay here? You’re comfy.” Lucifer mumbles, wrapping his arm around Sam’s waist.

“You need to eat.” Sam insists and pulls himself up. He wants to stay like this forever, but sustaining themselves is necessary, sadly. “And I need my coffee.”

Lucifer groans again and rolls over to the side before getting his feet on the ground. He looks up at Sam as he slips into one of his plaid shirts, silent. Somehow silence isn’t bad when he’s with Sam. Usually, when he’s alone, the silence is taunting him. It brings back memories from the cage, from Michael or worse – from Sam down there. But with him? The silence is… warm somehow. Comfortable. He doesn’t understand it, but it doesn’t matter. Sam matters.

“You coming?” Sam asks and looks over his shoulder, just done with running his hands through his hair to get it into a decent style.

Lucifer smiles and stands up. Looking down at himself he notices that he needs to change, sighing.

“Gotta go to my room quickly. You make the coffee?” He asks sheepishly. Sam grins.

“Only if you make the breakfast.”

“Deal.”

Sam comes over to Lucifer, who’s surprised when he leans down for another of these sweet kisses. Damn, he can get used to this. He’s lost in Sam’s touch so fast that it’s almost a shock when the other pulls back. He can’t help but pout.

“Hurry.” Sam smiles and slips out of the room.

Lucifer smirks to himself and quickly returns to his room, glad that the headache from last night seems to be gone completely. He can’t believe the luck he had when he hit his head. He should be dead by now, according to Dean, but whatever saved him; he’s grateful for it.

He grabs a clean black shirt from his wardrobe, along with some new jeans and slips into them without bothering to take a shower yet. He’ll do that later, when Sam is occupied or something; right now he really doesn’t want to waste time he can be in his presence. After messing up his hair a little the way he likes it, Lucifer makes his way to the kitchen. He’s not even walking, it feels like he’s levitating through the corridors. Is this what happiness does to someone? Damn, he hopes it at least.

The coffee machine is already working, Sam and Dean sitting at the table and reading the newspaper. Lucifer greets Dean dutifully with a friendly ‘Morning’, then goes to work. He promised Sam breakfast, he’s getting it. His usual pancakes, this time with blueberries, are soon piling up on a plate next to him.

“Can’t you cook silently?” Dean suddenly asks and Lucifer turns around confused.

“Huh?”

“You’re humming and it’s kinda annoying. Let me get my coffee before humming, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Lucifer mumbles and blinks confused. He was humming, really? He didn’t even notice. With a shrug he turns back around, forcing himself to stay silent as he prepares the last batch of pancakes and then carries the two plates over to the table. When he does, Sam rolls his eyes and smirks at him. Lucifer chuckles and gets the coffee and some mugs, then sits down at the free chair facing Sam.

“Where’s my little brother?” Lucifer asks and gets some of the pancakes onto his plate, while Sam takes care of the coffee problem.

“Cas said he’d be back for lunch, seems like there’s some trouble up there.” Dean informs him and puts the newspaper down in front of him to get his coffee.

“Oh.” Lucifer just huffs. Talks about heaven still leave a bitter taste in his mouth. “Well, I need to thank him for checking on me. Tell me when he’s back, will you?”

“Yeah, whatever.” Dean shrugs.

Lucifer feels something under the table move and then Dean groans, giving Sam an angry glare. Sam jerks his head, giving his brother a perfect bitch face. Dean growls low in his throat and turns to Lucifer.

“I mean, yes. I’ll tell him.”

“Thanks.” Lucifer says and tries to suppress a smirk.

The rest of the breakfast he listens to Sam and Dean talking about a possible case in Oakland. Dean wants to check it out, but Sam doesn’t seem to be interested in it at all. He suggests calling some other hunters in to take care of it, but Dean just doesn’t want to back out. In the end, they decide to take a look at it the next day, maybe by Cas zapping them there to be faster.

When Dean excuses himself to take a shower, Lucifer gives Sam a questioning look. He doesn’t need to say anything, Sam understands.

“I just don’t want to hunt right now.” He sighs.

“Why not? I mean, it doesn’t seem like a big thing?”

“No, but I wanna stay here. Keep an eye on you.”

Lucifer smiles. Sam worries about him. Yesterday he was pretty wrecked, for whatever reason, yeah. He feels better now, but he still doesn’t know what made him as sick as this. Maybe it was just the shock.

“Do you want me to come along?” He asks finally. Sam shakes his head, almost furious.

“No mojo, remember? If something happens… no, you better stay here. It won’t take long.”

Sam doesn’t like the thought of Lucifer joining them on hunts. He does know how to handle a gun and how to sneak into places, yes, but it’s too dangerous. If something happens it will be his fault for taking him along. He reaches over the table and lays his hand on Lucifer’s.

“Will you be alright when I’m gone?”

“I think I’ll survive.” Lucifer smiles at him. “Cas will look after you, so you can get out if you have to.”

“I hope so.” Sam bites his lip. There is something in Lucifer’s voice that is strange, as if he’s sorry. Sorry that he’s not able to come along? Or sorry that he’s just human, unable to burst in when things turn bad? He doesn’t know, but he doesn’t like it. He sighs in resignation. “Care to help me pack up?”

“Sure.” Lucifer chuckles and gets up to empty the table. With Sam’s help the task is done in a few minutes and they head back to Sam’s room. The empty duffle bag on the bed, Sam roams his wardrobe and pulls some clothes out that he hands Lucifer to pack into it.

They work in silence, only interrupted by Dean who knocks once to tell Sam he’ll need him in the library when he’s done. When he’s gone, Lucifer sighs.

“He’ll never like me, right?” He asks and stuffs a flask of holy water into the bag.

“He’s in big brother mode, that’s all. He thinks you’ll snap my neck or something.”

“I could never do that!” Lucifer is shocked by this assumption. Not only is he human now and neck snapping is impossible for him in this state, but he couldn’t hurt Sam on purpose. He knows what happened is impossible to undo, of course. That doesn’t mean he’d ever do something like this again though.

“He’ll get used to it.” Sam assures him and walks over with a knife he packs in too. Once it’s safely put away he takes Lucifer’s hand that is still in the bag and brings it to his lips. “You changed, he will see it.” He places a kiss on Lucifer’s knuckles, causing the other to blush slightly. “He got his angel, I got mine.”

“I’m not an angel anymore, Sam.” Lucifer says sadly and turns his head away.

“Technically, no.” Sam smirks. “But to me? You are. Mojo or not, there is something, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…” Lucifer looks back at Sam, eyes dropping to their hands. There is something, definitely. “Do you… I mean… do you think…” He can’t get the words out. Asking Sam this… it’s not right. Not when he doesn’t even think the answer will be what he wants to hear.

“Do I what?” Sam asks and beams at him. “Love the devil?”

“I didn’t –“

“I do.”

Lucifer looks up, now with a visible shade of red on his face. He didn’t hear that, no way. Did Sam just…?

“Don’t play games with me.” The words come out of his mouth as a plead; there is no denial that he’s close to crying either. His eyes are burning and his chest feels too tight to even think about breathing.

“I’m not playing games, Lucifer.” Sam assures him. He cups Lucifer’s cheek with the hand that doesn’t holds his, bushing his thumb over it gently. “Isn’t this where we were going the whole time?”

Lucifer can’t hold the tears in his eyes back and they roll down his cheeks silently. All he can do is look into Sam’s eyes, those ever color changing orbs he loses himself in more and more these days. _Love_. Sam just said he loves him. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to speak again.

“My other half, remember?” Sam smiles, leaning down and kissing the stray tears away from Lucifer’s face. “The angel and the vessel.”

“No… don’t say that.” Lucifer swallows heavily. These words hurt him deep inside. “You’re more than my vessel. Always were.”

“I know.” Sam says and leans down, drowning Lucifer in a deep kiss that shuts the others mind down completely. Lucifer closes his eyes, savoring the moment and the wonderful warm taste on his lips. He never thought the way humans show affection would be so intense – oh boy, he was so wrong. When Sam pulls back he chases him, stealing another quick kiss before finally breaking apart.

Damn, he wants to kiss Sam every minute, every hour, every day. He could stay like this forever, just kissing Sam, touching him, and knowing he’s there and this is _real_. He starts to believe in love again, who would have thought that?

“I love you, Lucifer. It took me long to see it, but I do.”

“Sam…” The tears break through and the words he wants to say get drowned when Sam pulls him into his arms and he buries his face against his neck. It’s impossible to stop himself from shaking, from fucking crying like a baby. He never thought he would hear these words from anyone ever again, yet alone from Sam – the only one he _wanted_ to hear them from.

It’s the first time that Lucifer doesn’t care about what he lost anymore. Sam saying he loves him, Sam holding him in his arms and accepting him – that’s all he needs. He needs _Sam_. He wants to return the words so badly, tell Sam that he loves him too, but he can’t stop all these emotions from taking control over him at the moment. It’s like his heart is about to explode, as if he’s burning from the inside.

Suddenly Sam pushes him away, widening his eyes. Lucifer can’t see him, his focus blocked by the tears he’s still crying, but he doesn’t have to see him to know something is wrong.

“W-What?” He hiccups and Sam shakes his head. He lays a hand on Lucifer’s forehead and immediately pulls back as if he burned himself. Lucifer’s legs start shaking and he sinks against Sam’s chest.

“You have fever!” Sam gasps and lets Lucifer down on the bed after shoving the duffle bag away.

“No – no, I’m fine. I just… I didn’t think…” Lucifer’s voice is cut off when a new pain in his chest rises, stinging. He presses his eyes together and groans.

“Lucifer! Lucifer, open your eyes!” Sam shakes the other, not only the fever now scaring him. His forehead is covered with sweat and his whole body is trembling. When Lucifer opens his eyes he can’t see. He opens his mouth and thinks he’s screaming, but there is no sound coming from him. Whatever happens, he lost control.

Sam jumps back as soon as Lucifer’s eyes snap open, staring at the scene in front of him. His eyes are glowing blue, so extreme that Sam thinks he really _is_ burning inside. It only lasts for a few seconds and Lucifer doesn’t make a sound during the whole time. Then his body relaxes and Sam comes closer again.

“Lucifer? Talk to me, please.” He begs and cups the others face again. He’s cold again, thank God.

“Sam?” Lucifer coughs a few times and Sam helps him to sit. A hand steadying his head, Lucifer looks up. “What was that? What happened?”

“Your eyes… they were glowing!” Sam still doesn’t believe he just saw that. It’s impossible!

“G-glowing?” Lucifer lays a hand over his heart, frowning. “But they only… only my grace can…”

“Your grace?”

Lucifer shakes his head, searching for words and collecting himself to speak. He clears his throat before looking back at Sam.

“It can’t be my grace. It’s down there, remember?”

“Did this happen yesterday too?” Sam asks worried. “Did you feel sick and hot too?”

“I… yeah. I was hot and it was all spinning around me. I’m not sure what it was.”

“Cas! Cas, buddy, I need your help!” Sam calls out, his hands still holding Lucifer’s to keep him from turning into a shaking mess again. He doesn’t know if his feeling is right, but if it is…

A flutter of wings later Castiel appears in Sam’s room, confused by the sudden call.

“What happened, Sam?”

“Lucifer. His eyes were glowing.” Sam explains and signs Castiel to come over. “Can you tell me why?”

Castiel looks at Lucifer, silently asking for approval, and the other nods. Laying two fingers on Lucifer’s forehead, Castiel closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Sam becomes nervous now.

“There is… _something_. It’s not much, just a small piece, but it’s there.”

“What is it?” Lucifer asks and Castiel opens his eyes, looking at him.

“Your grace.”

Lucifer’s jaw drops, as much as Sam’s, and they both just stare at Castiel dumbfounded. This can’t be. His grace is in the cage, there is no way for it to escape; they tried everything after he got out himself.

“Are you sure?” Sam finally asks, breaking the silence. Castiel nods.

“It’s weak, but it’s there. That might be why the damage yesterday was gone so quick. You broke your skull, Dean was right. But your grace healed it.”

“I – I can’t believe this…” Lucifer mumbles and looks at his hands. His gaze is empty, as if he’s far, far away from the bunker.

“Thanks, Cas. Can you… you know… tell Dean?”

“Very well, Sam.” With these words Castiel vanishes and Sam turns his attention back to Lucifer.

“You alright?” He asks.

Lucifer shakes his head, but doesn’t answer. His grace… he can’t believe it. Why is it back? How did it happen? And why didn’t he notice by himself?

“Lucifer, hey.” Sam again, Sam who wants him to snap out of this. “Come back.”

Lucifer forces his eyes close for a moment, then looks up at Sam.

“My grace.” He whispers.

“Yeah.” Sam says relieved and squeezed Lucifer’s hand tight. “It’s back. It saved you.”

“I don’t know how… I… it’s all gone.”

“Well, not all. Something was left it seems. Maybe it will become more.”

“Maybe…” suddenly an idea pops into Lucifer’s head. Could it be? It’s far-fetched, he knows it, but if it’s true… “Sam, it was you.”

“Me?” Sam is stunned. How can he be responsible for this?

“I… possessed you.”

“You did…” slowly it dawns on Sam what he’s talking about. When Gadreel possessed him and left there was still some of his grace in Sam. What if it’s the same here? What if Lucifer left parts of his grace in Sam and it came out of the cage when Castiel raised him from it?

“The kiss.” Lucifer says silently. “I started to feel strange after you kissed me, when you left. It… it must have been my body reacting to my grace. It healed me and… now it did the same.”

“Your grace made you sick?”

“No, not sick. It’s been in you for so long that it… adapted.” Lucifer can’t hold a chuckle. “Sam, my grace fought me because it became _your_ grace over the years. It’s adapting back to being _mine_.”

“My grace…”

“ _Our_ grace, Sam. It’s ours now. And you gave it back to me with the kiss.”

They look at each other without more words. A simple kiss, not even on purpose, and yet it had such a huge effect. Sam can’t believe it, neither can Lucifer. But it’s there, they can’t deny it. Lucifer’s grace is back. With it didn’t came his powers, not all of them at least. But it saved him. If it’s worth anything, Sam prays that this means Lucifer will get back what he lost. He loves him with or without his grace, but if he returns to being an angel things might be easier for him. Sam hopes it will happen one day.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He will want a garden on the roof. You may help him plant it, but the idea and the seeds must be his alone. Allow him something to care for that is his, so he can see not everything he touches is destroyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rather short, compared to the last two, but I hope it still delivers what it is supposed to :)

Millenia in the cage turned Lucifer into a longing soul, reaching out whenever he has the chance. Sam knows this of course, but he will never understand how he can think so low of himself all the time. Not even the fact that his grace returned, at least partly, can cover this. Sam sees it in his eyes whenever he touches him, whenever they kiss he can feel a sadness in it and it’s breaking his heart. How can he not see that he isn’t flawed or a burden? All Sam sees when he looks at Lucifer is him. Not his past, not the things he did – just him. And he needs nothing more.

Holding him at night, when the lights are turned off and the only sound he hears is their beating hearts and their breaths; it’s a wonderful feeling. There is so much he never noticed, but that he can’t miss anymore now. The way Lucifer looks at him when he says his name for example, glad and affectionate, as if he loves the sound coming from Sam’s lips. The way he always touches Sam when he can, even just a brush of his fingers sometimes. Always it makes Sam smile and there is no doubt about the reason behind it. He needs to reassure himself that Sam loves him, unconditionally.

And Sam does. He doesn’t ask anything from Lucifer. When Lucifer wants to kiss him, or looks like he wants to but is too afraid to make the first step, there are no questions. He holds him, kisses him as if it’s the first time; every time. And every kiss is new and better. Sam can’t say why but that’s just how it is. Does he want more? He doesn’t know. Lucifer is just coming out of his shell and he learned to be patient thanks to the former angel. Waiting is not difficult; he knows how Lucifer feels and it’s not the most important thing in the world anyways.

The fact that Lucifer still doesn’t seem to be able to set his past aside though, it scares Sam. There have been times since he’s with them that Lucifer was depressive and even suicidal. He doesn’t like thinking about the very beginning, but more than once he had to watch him to make sure he wouldn’t do something stupid. He doesn’t think it’s the same now, Lucifer is too affectionate for that. But something is troubling him and it takes a while until he finally talks to Sam about it.

It’s a warm day, early summer, and Sam managed to get Lucifer out of the bunker for a walk through the town. Lucifer still doesn’t feel comfortable around other people, but when Sam is there it’s easier. They find a bench at the small park and Lucifer, enjoying the nature around him, sits down quietly. Sam notices the other is watching the roses next to the bench and sits down next to him.

“White roses. They say the red ones are for loving, the white ones for the dead.” Lucifer says. He remembers reading it somewhere, even though he doesn’t understand. Why should color define their purpose?

“I love the white ones. They look eternal somehow.”

Lucifer chuckles at the thought of a rose being eternal. But then again roses existed even before humans, so maybe Sam isn’t so wrong about it in the end.

“Do you know why roses have thorns, Sam?”

“No, do you?”

“I know.” Lucifer smiles at Sam. “Before my fall, after my father created Eden and Adam and Eve, Eve kept picking the roses he created. Every morning father created new ones and every noon Eve picked them. She loved them, so at first he didn’t mind. But when she kept picking them he got frustrated and gave them thorns. Eve never picked the roses again, just admired them from afar.”

Sam watches Lucifer closely as he speaks, he never told him anything about the time before his fall. His voice is melodic, but also filled with sadness. The memory seems to hurt him and still, he shares it.

“Why do you think he did what he did?” Sam asks curious.

Lucifer shakes his head and sighs. “She loved them, but she loved them too much. If father wouldn’t have created new roses every day, they would have been gone within a week. He saved the roses and taught Eve an important lesson. Some things should only be looked at, not touched.”

“Maybe he should have given apples thorns instead.”

Lucifer looks at Sam for a moment, before starting to chuckle.

“You know it was me who made her eat the apple.” He smiles at him. “But his lesson was clear. She hurt herself by trying to pick a rose and never did it again. Maybe he should have given _me_ thorns instead.”

“Why do you say that?” Sam gives him a serious look.

“The things I touch turn to ashes. The things I love turn away from me. Father, Michael, Gabriel. Just not you. You’re still here and I don’t know why.”

Sam shakes his head and pulls Lucifer into his arms. He hates when Lucifer says such things, degrades his own existence and renders himself unworthy.

“Even with thorns I wouldn’t turn away from you.” Sam says calm. Even the thought of Lucifer being gone hurts him. “You deserve to be loved, Lucifer.”

“What if I hurt you?” Lucifer asks and looks up at him. “What if I snap again, lose control?”

“Then we will get through this, too.” Sam says with a smile and kisses Lucifer’s forehead. “Whatever you do, I won’t leave you.”

Lucifer pushes himself back into a sitting position, but he doesn’t speak. He knows Sam wouldn’t lie to him, but it’s hard to believe that he will not destroy this too. There is nothing that he didn’t destroy in his life and the fear of losing Sam, one way or the other, is something he just can’t control.

“Lucifer, look at me. Please.” Lucifer follows Sam’s voice and looks back at him. “Tell me what you want.”

“Roses.” Lucifer says slowly, not without feeling a little ashamed.

“You want roses? We’ll buy you roses.” Sam is already on his feet, but before he can walk Lucifer grabs his wrist, holding him back.

“No, I want to grow them. Please?”

There is something in Lucifer’s question that makes Sam want to cry. It’s desperation. Lucifer wants this not for the roses, he knows it. He wants to see that something won’t be destroyed, that something won’t turn into ashes. Roses are as good as anything else for Sam, but for _him_ they are important.

“Okay, we’ll make sure you can grow them on your own.” Sam smiles and offers Lucifer his hand. He takes it gently and stands up too, following Sam out of the park and back to the bunker.

The next day the two visit a home depot and gather everything they will need. They already found a spot next to the bunker, perfect for a small garden that Lucifer can use as he pleases. Sam doesn’t interfere when Lucifer selects the things he wants, this is for _him_ after all. He picks two sorts of roses, white and red ones, as well as some tulips to accompany them. While he selects them he’s quiet, lost in his thoughts, and Sam thinks he looks peaceful for the first time in weeks. Maybe it will help him heal.

They come back at noon and Lucifer wants to get to work right away, but Sam insists on eating first. So, after a good meal and an hour later, the two are outside again. Sam helps Lucifer dig out a square for the garden, then sets up the small fence they bought with him. He helps plant the tulips and rose bushes and, with every little thing accomplished, Lucifer’s face lightens up a little.

Sam knows what these flowers resemble of course, but he wonders if Lucifer does. When they are done, Lucifer waters the new plants and Sam gives him this moment alone. He sits down a little away and opens a bottle of beer he fetched earlier. Lucifer has chosen an interesting selection of flowers indeed. The tulips, white and red, stand for forgiveness and a declaration of love. The roses are simple of course, everyone knows red roses stand for love. The white ones, however, they mean more to Lucifer, he knows. ‘I love you and I always will’. It’s a meaning so simple and yet so important that he doesn’t think Lucifer choose them only by coincidence.

“Done?” Sam asks when Lucifer walks over and sits down next to him. Lucifer nods and Sam hands him a beer too. Together they look at the newly planted garden. It’s not perfect yet, but Sam can already see that the arrangement Lucifer has chosen will turn out beautiful.

“You did a good job today, Lucifer.” Sam feels the need to tell him, even if the result speaks for itself.

“Thank you.” Lucifer sighs. “I hope you don’t think I’m being melodramatic by wanting these flowers. They just sum up what I feel.”

“If you want them, you can have them. And who wouldn’t want a garden that’s filled with love?”

Lucifer smiles at Sam’s words and takes a sip from his beer. He leans his head against Sam’s shoulder as the other wraps his arm around his waist, and like this they wait for the sun to set. It’s a while, but no one’s bothering them.

Soon this little garden becomes a place where Lucifer can calm down and collect himself when things are difficult. He sits there, watches the flowers and each day they grow a little, until the first green breaks through the ground and the first buds can be seen in the bushes. He takes care of the garden himself, after all this is his own. Sam often joins him in the evening and when he can’t find Lucifer anywhere he knows where he will.

It doesn’t ease all the doubts Lucifer has about himself, but it makes them less intense. He keeps saying he doesn’t deserve Sam from time to time and Sam makes sure to let him know that he does.

It’s a long way to go, but he won’t let Lucifer walk it alone.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss him. Hold him, when he allows it. Put your mouth where his wings were, put your mouth anywhere, and everywhere, and show him how it feels to be worshiped in the flesh. He will not understand how to react to verbal praise for a long time, but you will read his reactions to physical praise in the flush of his skin, the string of sounds pulled from his throat.

Sam is happy, there is no other way to describe it. Lucifer moved to Sam’s room completely, because his is the bigger one, but still keeps his own if he needs time alone. It took some time, but even Dean finally accepted the fact that he’s unable to separate them. He accepted Lucifer as Sam’s roommate, but still refuses to think about what else they do together, besides sleeping. For their own peace they keep affections private, very much to their amusement sometimes.

Lucifer is still careful when it comes to more intimate physical contact, other than kissing, but Sam is okay with it. Sometimes he will try to do more, but he always backs away at some point, before it gets too much. Sam needs to assure him it’s fine then, make him believe when he says that’s not what he expects of him and that they don’t have to do anything more intimate if he’s not ready for it or feels uncomfortable. He can see that Lucifer wants to give him what most humans don’t want to miss in their relationships, but the more he tries, the more frustrated he becomes because it just doesn’t work the way he expected it.

One night, after another attempt of him to finally jump over his shadow, he’s close to tears from the anger he feels towards himself. Not even Sam holding him can make it better this time.

“I’ll never be good enough for you.” He mumbles against Sam’s chest. Even though the embrace doesn’t help him to calm down, he can’t let go; out of pure fear Sam will just leave when he does.

“You _are_ good enough for me, my little Morning Star.” Sam tells him for the fifth time this week and brushes through his hair gently. “We don’t have to do this, it doesn’t matter, okay?”

“It does!” Lucifer insists. “I want to give you everything and I _can’t_!”

Sam carefully pushes Lucifer away a little, his gaze softening when he looks at him.

“I don’t need more than you can give me, I told you that. Just relax, please. The more you try to force yourself to do this, the worse it will get.”

“If I can’t do such a simple thing, how can I deserve your love?”

“You do just by being you.” Sam leans down for a soft kiss, then smiles when he pulls away. “How about I make you feel good? Let me show you how I feel. And if you want me to stop, I will.”

“You don’t have to do that to make me feel better.” Lucifer mumbles and looks away, ashamed by his most recent failure at one of the most human things.

“But I _want_ to do it.” Sam assures him with another kiss, this time right behind Lucifer’s ear. He doesn’t move away when he continues to speak, sending the vibrations of his voice through the other. “Let me show you how much I love you, my angel.” He kisses Lucifer’s neck, coaxing a muffled and silent moan from the other. “Let me show you how perfect you are.”

Lucifer shivers under Sam’s kisses and he can’t help but smile at this wonderful reaction. He doesn’t mind him not being able to go further, all he wants is to make Lucifer feel good and loved. He lets his hands run down Lucifer’s back, fingertips brushing over his spine before they come to a halt on his hips. Lucifer’s breath hitches a little when Sam kisses him again, at his collar bone this time, and Sam couldn’t be more pleased. Carefully he shoves his hands under Lucifer’s legs to pull him up on his lap, smiling.

“S-Sam?”

It’s a whimpering sound, not the strong voice Sam is used to. He nuzzles his face against Lucifer’s stubby cheek before pecking the corner of his lips.

“I got you, don’t worry.” Sam purrs, one hand tenderly running along Lucifer’s sides and the other holding him steady against him. There’s a slight jerk of his hips when Sam tickles him under the rips and he chuckles silently. “Just tell me what you want.”

“Could you… kiss me again?” Lucifer asks when Sam pulls back, blushing a little.

“How could I resist?” Sam smiles.

When he kisses Lucifer again he feels his arms wrap around his neck and Lucifer slowly relaxes against him. He shifts slightly, allowing Sam to change his position to be more comfortable. Sam gently tucks on Lucifer’s bottom lip and when he opens his mouth a little and Sam slips his tongue into it, Lucifer moans against him. He pushes himself further, circling Sam’s tongue with his own and savors how deep this kiss is, how warmth and sweetness fills his mouth. It feels like an eternity before Lucifer pulls back to get some air, his eyes having this dreamy look Sam can’t get enough of.

“See? You’re relaxed already.” Sam purrs, kissing Lucifer’s cheek softly. “You say how fast things go and what we do, my angel. Whenever you’re ready to do something we can try it.”

Lucifer’s hands on Sam’s back keep the hunter close when he tries backing away and he gives him a confused look.

“I like this.” Lucifer admits and buries his face against Sam’s neck, nuzzling it. “But I want everything…”

“As long as you’re relaxed everything is what I’ll give you.” Sam promises, kissing Lucifer’s head.

His fingertips brush over Lucifer’s back, trace the spots where, a long time ago, his angel’s wings were spreading. Lucifer winces slightly under the touch, pressing Sam closer against himself. As careful as possible Sam lifts Lucifer off his lap, pecking his lips again when he starts pouting. He crawls behind Lucifer, his eyes not leaving the others for a second. There’s fear in Lucifer’s eyes, but the soothing look Sam gives him keep him from turning around.

Sam can’t say how much he loves everything about Lucifer, it will never express all of what he feels and he knows it. Lucifer can’t believe words, he’s been hurt too often to not see lies in everything. But Sam knows one thing that can show him just what he feels, without words.

He closes his eyes and places his lips over the top left scar on Lucifer’s back, listening to the former angel hiss. His hands move to Lucifer’s chest and he grabs them immediately, clinging on the human as he starts kissing every inch of his scar covered back, worships him without words, without hesitation. Sam can feel the shivers of Lucifer’s body, the wetness on his hands as he brings them to his face. This isn’t supposed to make him cry, not at all, but maybe he needs to cry at this point. Healing is never easy.

When his lips brush over the last scar, the last inch of Lucifer’s back, Sam smiles against his skin. He moves his head up and presses a kiss between his shoulder blades, causing him to turn his head around. They look at each other for a moment, Lucifer visibly shaken and his blue eyes wet from tears.

“Nothing but you is important, Lucifer.” Sam assures him with a heavy voice. He wraps his hands around Lucifer’s, squeezing them tight. “Even if you’re never ready, I won’t love and need you any less.”

Lucifer gulps, unable to speak. He just nods and Sam pulls him down onto the bed, arms wrapped around his angel and keeping him as close as he can. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. It will never matter. He is content like this, just kissing and holding the one he loves and be close to him, he doesn’t need more. If Lucifer is ever able to overcome whatever stops him he won’t push him away, but it’s not that important.

Sam knows how difficult things are for Lucifer. He has to cope with his feelings and with his grace returning, how could he not be confused and anxious? Sam won’t ever push him away, not after all they went through together. All the suffering, all the loss… it all led them to this place in time. He never thought he would love anyone like this again, but he doesn’t want to miss it anymore. Lucifer will find himself in this world again and one day he will learn to forgive himself. Sam can wait; as long as Lucifer is there he can wait for the rest of his life.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make your home together. Learn how to build a life together. And relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, this is the end of this series. It's longer than intended but I love it much more too. I hope you enjoy this last chapter and thank you so much for sticking with me through all the ups and downs ♥

Days pass, months pass. Fall arrives and Sam finds himself more at peace than ever before in his life. When the leaves start falling he knows it will be all good soon. Lucifer is relaxed in his presence, finally. He still doesn’t believe he deserves happiness, but it will get better, Sam knows it. They are outside often during this moody time of the year, enjoy the colorful nature around them and the wonderful feeling of a year slowly coming to an end. They even enjoy the rain, especially Lucifer. He loves just standing outside of the bunker sometimes, until he’s soaked from head to toes and not once the smile on his face will leave him, not once he will go inside – until Sam comes and gets him with a warm and fuzzy blanket, laughing at how much he loves to feel the rain on his skin. It’s a miracle he doesn’t get sick, honestly.

Dean has come to terms with Lucifer too, after a long talk neither of them wants to file Sam in about. Whatever they spoke though, it made Dean realize that Lucifer was sincere in his actions and that this is how it is now. Hell, he even congratulated Sam one evening with a beer in his hands and a smirk on his lips. Sam doesn’t know if he ever felt more awkward in his life than in this moment. He is glad about it though, really. With Dean finally accepting their relationship completely they don’t have to hide everything anymore. Dean makes his jokes and teases Sam of course, but he does it in a friendly way and never oversteps the line.

Winter is a difficult time for them, both because a lot of cases keep Sam and Dean busy, but also because Lucifer changes. No one knows why, but he is more reserved, talks less and sleeps a lot. Sam fears he might have fallen back into depression, but he kind of _knows_ it’s not that. Lucifer is different, yes, but he tells Sam that it’s okay and he shouldn’t worry. Easier said than done for him of course, but he really tries. He trusts Lucifer with his life, he knows he won’t lie to him; especially not about something so serious.

Still, Sam will give him time. Ever since he knows him Lucifer had been someone who needs time. Time for himself to think and time to process things happening. It’s something Sam loves about him, so rushing anything is the last thing on his mind. As long as Lucifer doesn’t have this empty look in his eyes again. Every time he saw this look in his eyes something died in him a little more. Things will reveal themselves sooner or later; until then Sam will wait.

They do in early spring.

Sam and Dean have been away for a week at this point, both glad to be finally done with the demons pestering a small town in Utah, when Sam’s phone rings. He’s sleeping in the backseats and fiddles his phone out of his pocket, while Dean mumbles something along the lines of ‘boyfriend misses you’. Sam ignores him and picks up.

“Better be important.” He groans when he sits up.

“Very important, Sam.” It’s Castiel and he sounds strange.

“Cas? What happened? Are you two alright?”

“I know I am, but Lucifer… he is a little, how do you say it? Over the top.”

“What is he doing? Running around the bunker naked?”

Castiel chuckles as this thought before answering, which makes Sam frown.

“He’s not naked, no. I just wanted to warn you, be careful when you come in.”

Before Sam can ask what _that_ means Castiel hung up, leaving Sam more confused than before.

“Dude, sounds like your lover got drunk.” Dean grins at Sam when he climbs into the front seat. Sam shoots him a mildly annoyed look.

“Stop calling him that.” He huffs. “Why didn’t Cas tell me what he’s doing? It can’t be that bad.”

“Maybe he _is_ running around naked.”

“Shut up.”

Sam isn’t in the mood for bickering right now. It really didn’t sound like a bad thing, but why call then? Castiel knows Sam will be shocked when he comes home, so something _has_ to be up. What, he has no idea. Not that Lucifer didn’t do weird things in the past, but it was never worth calling them during a case. Not even that one time Lucifer took a stray dog in Castiel called and Sam got quite the surprise from the tail wagging cutie that jumped into his arms when they entered the bunker that day.

“It’s probably nothing.” Dean says after a while and Sam sighs in resignation.

“I hope you’re right.”

Two hours later they pull into the garage and get their stuff out of the car. Sam frowns when Dean shuts the trunk, listening.

“Do you hear that?” He asks and looks over at his brother. Dean tilts his head and listens too. Seems like it’s not Sam’s imagination, because he gives him a weird look and frowns.

“Sounds like some kind of bird infestation. What _is_ that?”

They drop the duffle bags in their hands and walk out of the garage, into the bright sunlight. The sound is louder now, but it doesn’t sound at all like a lot of birds. In fact it sounds like _one_ bird, one that’s fucking huge. Dean searches the sky while Sam takes out his phone and calls Castiel. He could go inside too, but he’s too confused to even think about that.

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel chuckles when he picks up.

“Cas, would you come out and tell me what is going on here?”

“I’ll be there in a second.”

Castiel hangs up the phone and a moment later appears next to Sam. The sound he makes while appearing is similar to the one they are hearing outside too and Sam’s confusion grows.

“Have you found him already?” He asks.

“Found whom?” Dean turns around, giving Castiel a curious look.

Suddenly the sound gets overwhelmingly loud and with a loud stomp the ground shakes and they get shaken up. Only Castiel seems to be unsurprised, even smiles at the shocked faces. When they finally turn around, the sound vanished now, their jaws drop.

“Welcome home, Sam.” Castiel says, but Sam doesn’t hear him, nor does he even know he is there anymore. His eyes are glued to Lucifer; Lucifer who just stand in front of them, apparently out of nowhere. Behind him, with the sun shining through them, spread six enormous wings into the sky.

“Holy shit!” Sam bursts out, unable to hold the words back. Lucifer smiles brightly at him.

“Surprised?” he asks.

“ _Understatement_.” Sam scoffs and steps up to Lucifer.

This is so weird, really. He knows Lucifer got his grace back and that it was regenerating over the last months, but his _wings_? These… marvelous and huge wings that screamed perfection at him, shimmering in the purest white he has ever seen in his life? He reaches up with his hands when he’s close enough, his fingertips brushing over the strange texture of them. He doesn’t really _feel_ them, it’s more like his hands can go through them, but there is still the feeling that something is _there_. They feel like clouds must feel.

“How can you… I mean, how is this possible?” Sam asks thunderstruck.

“They came back after you two left… I asked Castiel not to tell you, I needed some time.”

“And you can… fly?” Sam can’t believe it. He has never seen Lucifer like this before. He looks so different. Not only his wings, but he too. He looks as if he finally found his own peace too. He’s _shining_ , if that’s the right word for it; _if_ there is even a right word for this. It’s not like he sees him for the first time in his life, but in this moment he falls in love with him all over again and he doesn’t know what to think.

“You heard me, didn’t you? I can. Sam… they’re _back_.”

Suddenly a lot of his pride for showing off like this, yes he did show off, fades and he is back to being _Sam’s_ Lucifer. His eyes become soft when he spreads his arms and Sam steps closer so he can pull him into them. He can’t keep the tears in his eyes from falling, but these are happy tears. He knows finally Lucifer is himself again and how could he not be glad about that, to the point where he’s crying? All this time, it wasn’t for nothing.

“They are, Luci… they are…” he whispers, nuzzling his face against the other.

“You can go home again, brother.”

Both Sam and Lucifer look up at Castiel’s words, narrowing their eyes.

“It’s true. You got your wings back, you redeemed yourself worthy of heaven.” He smiles at Lucifer. “You can go home if you want to now, nothing will hold you back.”

They are all silent for a while, but this is a very uncomfortable silence. Lucifer is thinking and Dean still hasn’t said a word since they are back. Sam though… Sam is horrified. He clings on Lucifer’s shirt, staring at Castiel with wide eyes. His heart feels like it’s about to explode and there is nothing to stop this bitter taste from forming in his dry mouth. Sam wishes desperately that Lucifer would say something, anything, but he stays silent. It doesn’t help at all.

“You can go home.” Sam finally says, his voice silent and hurt. His hands fall down, as if he lost his strength. In fact, he did. He realized that, no matter how much he loves Lucifer, he can’t beat heaven. It’s the one place Lucifer wanted to go back to ever since his fall – it’s more important than he is.

“Sam?” Lucifer asks worried, but Sam shakes his head, wiping his tears away angrily.

“It’s okay, Lucifer. Really. I understand.” He says and looks back at him, trying not to grimace at the thought of never waking up next to his angel again. “You can be with your brothers and sisters again. You can go back… home.” His voice breaks with the last word and the next second he can feel arms wrap around him again and something else too; something warm and soft and utterly soothing.

“I will never leave you, Sam.” Lucifer says, for once being the one to hold the other, to brush through his hair and to kiss his forehead with as much love as he can. “I _am_ home. Wherever _you_ are is my home.”

“D-Don’t you… want to go back?” Sam sniffs and looks at the angel, blinking. “I mean, after all this time?”

“After all this time I am finally happy, Sam.” Lucifer smiles brightly at him. “Why would I leave you to go back? I can’t find more love than I have here, with you – _together_.”

Sam is out of words. First Lucifer’s regeneration and now he chooses him over heaven? Did he die and went up there himself this morning?

“Can you… like… _say_ something?” Lucifer asks nervously after Sam stays quiet for minutes and just stares at him. The hunter slowly snaps out of his state of utter shock and refocuses his eyes on Lucifer.

“You won’t leave?” He whispers, still not believing it.

“Of course not.” Lucifer smiles and leans in for a quick kiss, to which Dean makes disgusted sounds in the background that cause Sam to smirk against Lucifer’s lips. “You are my heaven and my home now. I don’t want to be anywhere else, ever.”

“Guess you scored yourself an Archangel then, little brother.”

Sam turns around, smiling even though this was a mock against him. He’s not mad, not at all.

“I told you he’s an angel all the time, didn’t I?” Sam laughs and searches for Lucifer’s hand with his, entwining their fingers. He doesn’t think he could be any happier, no matter what happened. Lucifer wouldn’t leave, he finally got the one thing he mourned the most back; they were together.

It’s finally all good.

**Author's Note:**

> This little series was inspired by a wonderful tumblr post with "Instructions for Lucifer" that I just couldn't resist. Many thanks to the lovely helllfiresam for creating this post and allowing me to use it for this series :)
> 
> Each chapter has the instructions it's based off in the summary.


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